Moderate, Neutral, Natural

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The nature of things is neutral. It does not discriminate. Like the sun does not know whether it’s shining in California or Cairo.It does not know. Same for the sky. The sky is the same everywhere. It’s one. We can look at everything in this way. The plants do not know where they are. Or if they are on someone’s “property”. They do not discriminate and they do not belong to anyone. They don’t know whether the garden reflects poorly or badly on ‘your’ gardening or on the aesthetics of your home. They belong to the sun and to the earth. Just as you do. Dependent and in that dependence belonging, for you could not survive away from the sun or the earth. Neutrality makes clear the nature of things and it in itself is natural.

Being natural is not two different things but one. Being is natural. It is flow. It is not complex. Not far-reaching. But simple and obvious. It does not require much. It is not born through thought which often complicates it. But through the senses. Watching a bird, hearing its song. Feeling the breeze. Breathing. It’s only when the mind gets involved that things become hard and rigid and often unnatural. Nature naturally attunes you to your natural state which is synonymous with ease even if there is dis-ease. It requires forgetting yourself. Which is easier if you allow things to show you their wisdom and majesty. Like watching a falcon soar in the sky. Everything natural is rooted here. In what is, in neutrality and for no reason.

Moderation is also your friend. But it is not easy to come by when you’ve been trained to live in fear and distrust. Moderation comes from acknowledging excess. Hoarding is the expression of excess – not frugality. For in hoarding, you deny the reality of your excess by refusing to look at it. You just store and hide it so as to not confront it. Excess comes from fear of deprivation. Of the poor, the hungry. This fear breeds guilt. We’ve been conditioned to practice frugality out of guilt for the poor, the deprived. But this is violence. It’s not natural. Guilt and fear are not neutral but extreme. In acknowledging excess, we need not indulge in guilt for that only perpetuates the cycle of frugality out of fear and more hoarding.

If you want to be moderate you can’t force it. You have to acknowledge where you are without shaming yourself. Without guilt. And without fear. But with kindness. Be kind to your excess. And in that kindness be neutral towards it. In other words, don’t judge it. When you don’t judge, it’s easier to see things as they are in their natural neutrality. Without right and wrong. Without punishment and reward. You can be clear as to the way things are in you for this moment and this helps things come into balance more easily. We have been taught that to be ‘good’, we have to punish ourselves for the ‘bad’ things we do. But this is violence and is not efficient or effective – more like a waste of time. Neutrality helps with lack of judgment, which helps bring things back to balance and moderation which is our natural way of being. We naturally don’t want to be wasteful. We naturally want to live in balance. It’s only by believing we are bad for not being able to do so that creates distortion within us and dysfunction in our lives.

When you are lost, find neutrality within yourself, which means stop judging yourself and dividing. Making good and bad. This will help bring things into balance and reveal to you your natural way of being – which is not something you have to think about, practice or contrive. It just reveals itself to you and you only notice it. Don’t strive to be moderate but be honest and kind about your immoderateness and you will find it more natural to live your life in moderation. Do not judge yourself for ‘failing’ for that only prolongs suffering. Lastly, notice all that is already natural within you – that you don’t even think about.

Unorthodox Means

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In the face of abnormal behavior, it’s okay to resort to unorthodox means. You tried your best. You did your best. To communicate. To bond. To be heard. To hear. All of it. You did all of it. You left no stone unturned. And so it’s okay to trust your gut. Even if it’s at the expense of being a little risky. It’s only risky to the fearful one in you. But to your self, it’s natural, simple, logical.

Believe it or not, you are the sane one here. You belong here. You deserve to be treated with love, simplicity and respect. That’s not too much to ask.

The Saboteur

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There’s a force within that compulsively sabotages well-being. It is addicted to disharmony, nervous system dysregulation, unhealthy cycles and patterns of behavior, pain and suffering. It gets bored with well-being, a regulated nervous system, non-addictive behaviors, harmony and goodness.

It feeds on overwhelm, dysfunction and desperation. It keeps dysfucntional cycles in endless self-perpetuation. Working with opposite extremes; healthy, unhealthy, good, bad, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, success, failure, love, hate. Moderation, balance, equanimity are enemies to the saboteur.

It likes to swim in muck. It’s an extremist by nature. It wants to keep looping in hope and despair. In ‘maybe one day’ and ‘it’s never going to happen’. In worthlessness and grandiosity. Constantly projecting plans for an improved self in the future where perfection is possible but with no real intent on ever arriving.

The saboteur is critical by nature, wired to be negatively oriented – a perfectionist. It thrives on comparison. That’s where it feeds. Comparing in time, comparing to others, comparing anything other than what’s here and other than what’s now. Its motto is not good enough. Its engine – fear, anxiety, restlessness, dissatisfaction, unworthiness, the need to belong.

The saboteur cannot satisfy any sense of lack. It can only create a mirage of projected satisfaction in the future. And it has a vested interest in keeping the sense of lack in place even though it advertises otherwise.

The saboteur is binding in the sense that it banks on you taking things personally, being invested, buying into the premise. It does this by wrapping itself around old wounds; unworthiness, abandonment, being left behind. It subconsciously convinces you that in order never to feel these things again, you must do what it says. That there’s hope for you yet.

The saboteur creates an illusion of autonomy, self-reliance, free will and that’s its genius. Because in fact, the opposite of that is the case. By design, the saboteur strips you of those things and makes you a slave. A slave to imagination, comparison, unconsciousness. It makes you an addict, a prisoner – at the mercy of.

The saboteur cannot be fought against. Cannot be willfully changed or re-programmed. It can only bring you to your knees to be defeated.

Signs of an Unhealthy Upbringing

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Growing up in an unhealthy home environment looks like:

Not being mirrored or seen or acknowledged in your basic existence.

Not being nurtured in your body, not being shown how to eat properly, not being shown how to express physicality.

Not being heard or listened to as someone of importance in the household.

Being dismissed in your expressions both positive and negative.

Being brought up in an environment where you need to prove your right to exist.

Being made to feel like you’ve failed before you even started.

Not being met where you are wounded.

Not being taught self reliance and simultaneously not being protected through healthy or necessary dependence on your caregiver.

Being made to feel like your basic needs are a burden or an inconvenience on the family.

Being mirrored in a negative light is the norm unless it is complimentary to your caregiver to do otherwise.

Being made to feel responsible and accountable for your own failed nurturance. E.g. being made fun of for being unhealthy, not having nice clothes to wear etc.

Being unseen, unheard, unrecognized in your right to want, need, express or defend yourself.

Being made to feel like any emotion on your part is unwanted and/or excessive.

Being used for company when there’s no one else around but being discarded when there are others.

Not Your Failing

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The pain is not your failing,

The squeeze is not your failing.

The thoughts are not your failing.

The restlessness is not your failing.

The deep exhaustion is not your failing.

The fear is not your failing.

The conditioning is not your failing.

What speaks to you and what doesn’t is not your failing.

The hate is not your failing.

The loneliness is not your failing.

The dreams are not your failing.

The circumstances are not your failing.

The reaction of others is not your failing.

The feeling of failure is not your failing.

The meaninglessness is not your failing.

The feeling of heaviness is not your failing.

The grief is not your failing.

The mindset of doing is not your failing.

Being in the middle of nowhere is not your success.

It’s just the way things are.

If you haven’t failed, you can’t succeed.

You can’t succeed and you can’t fail – even though everything will tell you otherwise.

No one can.

Realize this.

There’s freedom here. Freedom from comparison. Freedom from success. Freedom from failure.

Freedom from I’ve made it or I haven’t.

The most successful and the miserable failures are one in the same.

Left Out

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I’ve been wanting to fit in for as long as I remember.

Fit in anywhere.

Jumping through hoops, putting myself in danger, going to extremes within and without just to fit in and belong.

How painful it is to live in this way. How lonely it is.

To want to be accepted. To want to have a gang, a family, a troop, to be taken in.

Feeling left out is such a familiar feeling that has haunted me from place to place.

And the shame of that desperation. The desperate one that wants to fit in. That feels as though everybody can sense and smell her. The fear of rejection, the fear of being found out as the stench of desperation wreaks off her. Sniffed out as the desperate one.

You belong to God they say, but what does that mean? Where does this longing to fit in come from?

If I’m not with that longing in my body, it takes me on a long car-sick ride. Homesick ride.

Maybe that’s what the longing is, a homesickness.

A homesickness that can’t be quenched by a physical home. By a gang or family to call me one of their own. Because that’s slavery. At the mercy of others to belong.

Something in me doesn’t want to be left behind. In the smallest way and in the biggest way.

Maybe it’s a deep knowing that every thing will leave me behind… Eventually.

Maybe this homesickness is a blessing. Not a curse. Maybe it’s a compass.

Follow me, follow this longing, it says. Not outwardly. That didn’t work. That led to trouble. Heartache. Bad decisions. Impulsiveness. Desperation.

Maybe inwardly. Follow me inwardly, in the body. Maybe that’s yin.

But let’s not stigmatize that outward reach. Let’s not make it shameful. Abhorrent. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to be with others, to be taken in. It’s deeply wired in the nervous system to want to belong, it’s human. It’s survival. Not a stench of desperation but a human pull, a need even. A wiring.

And is it so bad that you can’t fit in? Is it something to be ashamed of? The group mentality will tell you it is. Because our culture is deeply wired to shame those who stand alone because we fear them. We fear the rejected. Their power. We fear their aloneness. Because it mirrors back to us the reality we don’t want to see. We don’t want to face. The reality of aloneness.

They will all leave you. Everyone will leave you. Everything will leave you. These are the calls I heard from my father’s death. His passing. These are the whispers, the rotting, the disintegrating, the turning to ash, the reminders he left me. Everything will come to pass. Sandcastles.

But the human wants the company, the love, the gang, the safety, the comfort. How can I reconcile this with that? Is it kind to deny that humanness. And only point to stark reality. Is it kind? It is and it isn’t.

There’s no answer here.

I’m not yet on the ‘other side’- if there is one – I’ve only heard reports, had inklings. I’m still wretched. I can’t say with full authority there is only the glory of God. That authority hasn’t been given to me. If it is to be given.

I can’t deny the pulls of the body, the creature -that’s for sure. That feels violent. I acknowledge trauma and have learnt to deeply respect it because that’s what it asks of me. It’s asked for acknowledgement and mercy. For slowness and gentleness. It’s not interested in the ‘Truth’ not in absolute sense anyway- whatever that means. And it’s been placed here by something, it’s not a mistake.

No mistake.

I don’t know what’s kind. But there’s mercy here in the simplicity of this moment. Beyond the narrative.

Everything else, I don’t know about. But everything beckons the second you move through life, through the day, the second you get off the ‘meditation cushion’. You’re pushed, you’re pulled. And it’s not easy to find that mercy sometimes. Beyond the narrative. Beyond the trauma.

I sense it now, and that is enough I guess.

Not Forgotten By Life

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Your conditioning is not a mistake. You don’t have to make up for ‘lost time’. You haven’t been forgotten by Life. Your love for Life is immense. Like a flower cracking through the pavement. Breathe that in. Your causeless joy. Trust that. You can be happy. You can live a life without the gloom veneer. It is your right. Why you were born into existence.

It’s important to validate that madness is madness. Not giving it your attention is an act of self-love. Self-preservation. Self-care. And is possible. False guilt and false shame have plagued you for long enough. To not trust in your inherent goodness. In your pure intentionality. In your simplicity and good heartedness. Beat up like a dog badly abused by its owners. Limping, distrusting.

The madness of not seeing the goodness in Life, let alone trusting it. The madness of creating problems out of thin air. The madness of living in the murk and fog of the gloom veneer. The madness of not prioritizing love. The madness of not recognizing loyalty, camaraderie, beauty, good fortune, preciousness.

You are radiant and gleaming. Your sovereignty is a birthright. Your equanimity – divine. You can trust yourself. Trust in your goodness. Trust in your beautiful self-expression. Trust in your genuineness. Trust that what you know is madness is in fact madness. No two ways about it. And what you do or did to survive that madness was absolute genius and absolutely necessary. An act of sovereignty.

To entertain madness is to drown in it. They were all mad. They are all mad. See how it feels to validate that part of you that always knew. Always felt and was made to doubt herself. Made to doubt all her divine qualities. Her love of beauty, her love of Life. Her devotion to Love. Her call to sanity. Love wins. Love always wins. Love is Real. Love is what calls you out of your slumber. Out of living life as an automaton.

Calls you, called you to something other. Something more. “There must be more to this Life”, it said. It whispered. It burned. It longed. “This can’t be it, this can’t be what this whole magical existence is for”, it prodded.

This call is divine. Your understanding of divinity has been plagued with falsities. False gods. False divinity. False devotion. False goodness. False righteousness. False priorities. False displays. False expressions. All of it corrupt. Rotten to the core. Empty words, empty actions, empty relating, empty promises. Because it doesn’t come from Love.

And Love – what you’ve stood up for without even knowing. Struggled for. Longed for. Called out others for because it’s missing from their empty shell lives. Because without it life is meaningless, void, corrupt, rotten, dead. That Love is divine. Love and truth are one and the same. Love cannot exist without Truth and Truth cannot exist without Love. And these are not abstractions. Love and Truth are not abstract.

Love and Truth are all there is. Truth is power, Love its perfume. That’s why anything the isn’t steeped in this is painful, awful, deadening. It’s no mistake. You haven’t ‘missed’ anything. Coming out of slumber, rising up from the dead is not something to sniff at. You are not forgotten by Life. Quite the opposite precious one.

Cocooned In Yourself

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Let yourself belong to yourself. In your totality. Not to your partner. Not to your family. Not to any group or teacher. Not to your country, society or culture. Not to any role or narrative. Nothing. Just you, here, now. You with your softness. Your simplicity. Your scent. Your breath. Your feel. Your touch. Your sensuality and beauty.

Notice how that feels. Almost like it’s not allowed. Like you’re going to be punished for it. Disliked for it. In trouble for it. Notice how there’s fear in taking yourself back in this way. Like you can’t possibly live like this. Spend your days like this. In this “self-indulgence“.

As soon as someone comes into your vicinity, you have to give yourself away – no questions asked. You have to answer to. And the stress of that. The stress of being outside yourself. Available to the other prior to your own self.

Unaware of your own self, your own needs, your own beauty and rhythm. Unaware that you’re even outside yourself.

Unaware of your own self, your own needs, your own beauty and rhythm. Unaware that you’re even outside yourself.

It’s painful living in this way. It’s feeling like a sell-out 24/7 and not knowing why. And the anxiety of being at the mercy of giving away that permission slip to be dropped in on as a given. Having to answer to that. Forced to relate in this – no questions asked, I’m yours before I am my own – kind of way. It sucks. It really sucks.

And there’s grief there. Grief of feeling like you have to leave everyone behind. Give everyone back to themselves constantly. There’s anxiety in that. Because you can see the ways you’re always being pulled, invited even just with eye contact to leave yourself constantly. To cater to. To be ‘out here’ – ready, in dialogue, available, always on call. It’s exhausting.

Allow yourself to really feel into how much you actually hate that. Because you do. You hate leaving yourself. You’re tired of it. You’re suffocated by it. Because it’s not natural. It’s fear-driven.

It can feel almost alien to come back to yourself fully in this way. But there’s a deep longing for that. To belong to yourself. To be fully enveloped in your own yummy goo, your own soft mush. To be cocooned in yourself without having to take one micro energetic step outside yourself.

To be totally self-indulgent in the healthiest most natural way. To give yourself that permission slip. To recognize that birthright and the insanity of anything other than that.

Not answering to anybody.

Not being on call.

Not engaging with the slightest invitation to leave yourself.

Not as a harsh, willful doing but a soft and kind vigilance to stay true, stay real. Stay connected to yourself. To put yourself first in a fearless, loving and self-honoring kind of way – come what may.