Category: Uncategorized

Never-ending home improvement project. Everybody doing it. The plight of being human. Shoddy house (no matter how fancy) to shelter a tender fleshy body.

We make nice fences and gardens, grow big trees. Fix our plumbing and put up nice wooden doors.

We try our best to create a structure that can protect us from the elements, from an ever-changing world. Out there.

Shooting for the picture-perfect Pinterest home. More luxurious, perfect paint job, pruned garden, sealed cracks, throw blanket.

We’re constantly trying to make our bodies look good too. Feel good. Look younger. Fitter. Wrinkle-free.

And when all else fails, there’s the never-ending improvement project within. Healing, fixing, seeking.

Nothing wrong with any of it.

But…

The futility of fixing, improving, renovating has to get us on our knees at some point.

Death starring us in the face. Change and movement constant.

So what? Do we give up and let our bodies decay and our houses fall apart? Do we let our unhealed trauma fester and just sit in a corner waiting for it all to end?

Maybe we go through that phase. But it’s also a kind of running away.

Life is balance. and you don’t balance. Life is balance.

So the never-ending home improvement project of the flesh body, the brick house or the internal landscape of the psyche has to be seen through.

See through the endless running on a hamster wheel.

There’s always something to fix. Always something to improve.

But it is so important not to get stuck on this loop.

Life is not a never-ending project. That’s the mind’s version.

Life is Alive.

Yes, we can make our ‘houses’ better, cleaner, healthier.

The sweeping and the vacuuming and fixing and the healing. All good.

But don’t get stuck there.

The futility and the breaking point have to be seen, felt.

That’s why the mold in the corner of the room is a gift.

The cracked wooden floor is a gift.

Not being able to fix is a gift.

Because it makes clear the futility.

Fix this and then that pops up. Fix that and the other pops up.

Whack-a-mole.

Step back from whacking the moles. Lay down the ‘whacker’.

This is what the ‘world’ is.

The speed, the hectic-ness, the chaos – is the collective whack-a-mole, the collective stuckness on the hamster wheel, on the loop.

You see the futility.

You step back.

And notice the endless invitations (subtle and obvious) to re-enter the rat race. And these invitations extend to spiritual circles too.

Because this is at the core of ‘getting lost’.

Don’t posture yourself into a stance

Trying to look cool or collected

You won’t stand a chance

It’s time to let go of these games now

These old games

They’re not yours

They never were

It’s not about proving them wrong

Or letting them know that you know what they’re doing

None of that matters now

This isn’t a game anymore

Nor a dance or a punching ground

That shit is over

On it’s way out

This is the taking out of the roots

The family root

The family trance

It might feel a little shaky

Or more than a little

You might feel wrestled with

Dug up

Laying there on the mulch

Roots exposed

Bare

But trust the Gardener

Trust that which speaks to you through everything

Everyone

Through your Heart

Trust that which knows no games

But sees the games for what they are

Open-ended futility

Trust that which knows where the roots are

That which can see the invisible root system in the ground

Even when the weeds themselves are gone

Don’t gaslight yourself into minimizing your experience

But really honor your courage and strength

To have the willingness to see to speak to act

In accordance to what feels True for You

No matter what

And find the support where you can

Because we can’t do this alone

And it’s okay to move slow

To be unproductive

Uneventful

Unorganized

Honor the tiredness

Honor the tears

Honor the bag of fears

Nothing needs to be skipped over

Nothing needs to be sped past

Nothing.

You don’t need to rush.

Let things take their time.

Take their shape.

Reveal themselves to you.

There’s no shortage of anything.

You’re already home.

Already good.

Already loved.

Beneath the need to make a beautiful home or have beautiful clothes is a deeply hurt and deeply scared child who was deeply wounded for her utter simplicity. She was not loved as a child by her mother or father who were too busy screaming out for love themselves.

She was not met.

Was not held.

In fact, she was doing most of the holding and the meeting of those around her herself. The big adults. The lost, wounded adults. And so this big responsibility was thrown at her.

She wanted the child’s life. The cozy home. The nice clothing. The friend’s birthday party. But everyone around her was too self-involved to see. To meet. To care for. What so deserved to be seen, met and cared for.

And so now she wants to make it all happen. But that turns into suffering. Mental noise. The suffering of always striving for the next thing to add. The next thing that will make a more cozy home, a more beautiful life. And there’s nothing wrong with any of those things in themselves.

But when there’s an unmet need or hurt below the surface of it, that needs to be seen, met, held. So that there can be a real relaxation. A real trusting and slowing down. Not a hectic mental cacophony. Let’s get this quick, it’s not good enough, I need to make it better. And the effort and striving for perfection, for validation.

And really noticing trying to impress others in that too. Wanting mom and family to see how beautiful you’ve made your home so that they finally admit to your worthiness of love. Look, I’m lovable. Look!

And not shaming the one who’s looking for that validation either. Not making her wrong. But really honoring her and what she’s been through. Validating her experience. Yes, it was scary, it was crazy, still is with the family, yes, it was a lot.

She’s so overwhelmed by it all.

Let’s really give her space.

Give her safety.

Give her love, compassion.

Gentleness.

Have her back.

Slow down for her.

She’s the hurt wolf in the wolf pack. She’s in front. She sets the pace.

You deserve to have every beautiful thing in the world. You see the beauty because you are that beauty.

Beauty recognizes beauty.

And the more you slow down, the more you’ll see yourself everywhere already.

Your beauty.

Your effortless beauty.

You have the right to “choose” who you want in your life.

You have the right to have people who genuinely love and support you in your life.

You have the right to have toxic relationships fall off like dead leaves fall off a tree.

In a way, it’s not a choice.

Because you can’t choose what makes your Heart sing.

You can’t choose what makes your Heart wilt either.

You’re following your Heart.

And if that means letting family members fall off one by one.

Then, so it is.

It’s a choice and it’s not a choice.

You have to realize you can choose.

In order to realize you don’t choose.

Your Heart doesn’t follow “the rules”.

It doesn’t operate from but this is my sister!

It has equanimity embedded.

Nothing is taboo.

Nothing is a faux pas.

The Heart doesn’t speak this language.

So when it’s time for the dead leaf sister relationship to fall off – it falls off by itself.

In a way, you’re choicelessly aware of it.

We’re all here on our own unique paths and all you can do is stay true to your path.

And trust that nothing real is lost.

Nothing true.

And in that you can find the peace and trust to let all the dead leaves drop.

Even if the whole world doesn’t like it (and they won’t).

But you don’t have a choice.

It may look like you do from the outside.

But you know, deep in your Heart, you don’t.

Not really.

That’s the beauty of it.

Trying to not let anything hurt you is a suffocating stance. And it can be dressed up in spiritual clothing with a subtle agenda. It looks like trying to be two steps ahead. And it’s disguise is, “I can face anything”.

But this could be a fear (possibly from an underlying unmet trauma) masquerading as bravery or invincibility. It’s like trying to skip a step.

“I’m not scared of not having money.”

When really deep down there’s a deep fear and an overlay of pretense to cover up that vulnerability, that fear. Bulldoze your way over it by speaking too soon, acting too prematurely.

And it can look very convincing. But this is the personal self trying to be “brave”. And it can get confusing because if there’s more of a deepening into true sovereignty then it can appear to be a byproduct of that. And maybe some of it is.

But there’s something to going really slow and not trying to skip over anything. Not trying to override something because it’s secretly labeled as a ‘weakness’, as non-spiritual. Being dependent on money or being scared of losing money is not an advanced spiritual person‘s problem.

And this is where it gets tricky because there’s a part that wants to get to invincibility with the agenda of never getting hurt again. And that’s the clue. Because true invincibility is not trying to avoid hurt, not trying to avoid problems.

It might seem counterintuitive to err on the side of caution, the side of humility. But humility, real humility, is more open and honest. It’s more like… I don’t know what I would be like in this situation, maybe some stuff could come up for me. And it’s not a disappointment because the only one that’s disappointed about stuff coming up is the spiritual person. It wants to be invincible and it can’t be.

So it’s like recognizing the running shoes that one is wearing of wanting to speed past everything. And slowing down even more. Especially when there’s a triggery, uncomfortable, unresolved situation or circumstance percolating in the background.

You might not have any immediate decisions to make or any immediate actions to take. But the situation or circumstance is still lurking somewhere in the back recesses of the mind. The “spiritual person” can then try to overlay another defense mechanism of denying the fact that this is percolating, this is weighing on me just a little bit. And this denial can be dressed in spiritual clothing too.

“This triggery circumstance, unresolved situation doesn’t exist for me because nothing is happening right now in The Present Moment.”

Very sneaky spiritual bypassing. Taking spiritual teachings verbatim and over simplifying them. Because things can be happening below the surface and it’s not easy to catch if something is off-kilter because it’s unconscious.

One little clue is to notice if there’s any unusual behavior on your part happening. No matter how seemingly insignificant, it’ll feel a little off. And it can have a sort of false calmness behind it.

Another clue is to try and sense (without judgment) whether you’re actually operating from truly not knowing or if you’re two steps ahead. Then you know, you’re either preemptively striking or defending. That’s called strategy. You’ll notice you’re out of the simplicity of not knowing and into the complexity of time, people, things, decisions, anticipation, bracing.

Strategy is a protection mechanism to cover up the discomfort of not knowing. Especially when that something triggery is taking time to resolve itself. You want to get it over with already. Move past it. That’s a red flag.

And it’s then that you can notice…

Oh something’s off here, I’m trying to skip over something.

Not as a force, a slamming of the brakes. But just by noticing.

Oh, I’m two steps ahead again.

Let’s move snail pace. Let’s be two steps behind or under or at a side angle.

You act in your own integrity – you need not worry about anything or anybody.

But what if I get duped?

Don’t I need to make sure somehow I’m not getting screwed over?

With what?

Apprehension, suspicion, insecurity, restlessness, doubt?

The mind will make it seem as though you’re putting your head in the sand – Don’t be naive!

Drop in the body. Feel whatever energetic tension, movement or tiredness there is. Be with that. Keep coming back to that. Long exhales. Deep inhales.

But I need to say this and that.

Nope.

And this happened in the past.

Come back.

You’ll effortlessly find yourself able to feel out whatever needs to unfold without agenda.

Without, my safety depends on this.

Without, this person is trying to dupe me, take me for a fool.

Let the mind vomit out its’ doomsday scenario and apocalyptic hypothesis.

Let it make mountains out of molehills.

This doesn’t mean denying the vulnerability and tenderness of being human. Or suppressing any trauma that’s bubbling up to the surface. It’s admitting to and meeting with honesty, gentleness. Slowness.

And you don’t have to “be strong” and pretend this.

Just drop into the body and feel the energy of it. The lethargy of it. And let it be here. Don’t fight.

But what if I get duped?

Yeah, what if.

What if everything you did was wrong and you didn’t have to justify it.

Be wrong.

Notice how nothing’s happening.

Okay, you were wrong. All of it was wrong. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that just a god damn relief?

Anytime you can just breathe again, that’s a good sign.

So people’s perception of you are that you’re wrong. Okay.

Where does that land?

Absolutely nowhere.

You don’t have to learn to love yourself.

That sounds like a tedious uphill battle.

And you don’t have to justify wrongs either.

So where does that leave it?

I’m wrong and it’s okay. I’m a misnomer and it’s okay.

The only time it’s not okay is when I want to be right.

Do it right.

Wanting to be right is the cause of a lot of violence.

Inwardly and outwardly.

Try on the I’m wrong and really let it sink in to your skin, into your field.

I’m wrong.

My past is wrong, my life is wrong, my behavior is wrong, my decisions are wrong, my impulses are wrong.

All of it. I have not done one thing right!

Freedom.

And I will probably continue to do everything wrong till the very end.

Where does that leave me?

Leaves me with a lot of space, a lot of room.

A lota room for fucking up. A complete and utter disaster.

All the way to the end.

Through and through.

Freedom.

Trying to do it right is to who’s standards?

God? The teacher? Mom? Husband? Brother? Sister? Mother-in-law? Sister-in-law? Cousin? Friend? The priest? The pope? The Man? the woman? Who?

Be wrong and in that, be free.

When the midday air of despair smacks you in the face, remind yourself of the mini successes you’ve had so far. Managed to get out of bed. Success. Watered the garden. Success. Cut my own hair. Success. Made and ate some breakfast. Success. Showered with lovely smelling soaps. Success.

Not running around like a headless chicken. Success. Taking it slow and easy. Success. Breathing fully. Aware of my breath. Success. Hearing the birds. Success. Got some sun. Success. Food in the fridge. Success. Couch under my bum. Success.

And then gently coming back to ‘despair’. A heaviness, energetic density. A friend that wants to be met. A tightness in the jaw. A discomfort. A frozenness.

Hello despair. Nice to meet you.

Bowing to the unspiritual, addicted, messy and messed up bad one inside. The one that can’t sit still, made the ‘wrong’ decisions. Can’t seem to get her act together. Whatever that means. Bowing to this one. This one that’s been hammered with you’re not good enough, what you’re doing is wrong, you need to do better, try harder, be different, you should be doing better by now!

Let’s stop fighting with her. Messing with her. She’s been fought with and messed with enough already. Give her a break. Take off the pressure of trying to get somewhere. The somewhere of perfection. This is a pipe dream. There’s no somewhere to get to. There’s no if only this wasn’t here, then… I’ll be…. fill in the blanks. Free? Loved? Good enough? Finished? Saved? Enlightened?

Instead let’s try something new for a change. Just this once. Let be the imperfection and the mess. The frazzled, don’t know what to do, if I’m doing it right, I’m failing, I’m failing mess. Let be the mess. Be a mess. That’s the freedom.

Then, I can breathe now. I don’t have to tie myself into knots because of the idea that the mess is wrong. Because that idea creates war. Arguing with what is. Impatience is here, restlessness is here, boredom is here, disorientation is here, an energetic knot of inexplicable movement is here. Okay. It’s not comfortable. It’s not what the spiritual ego, superego wants it to look like by now. I’ve done enough work on myself and by now I should be…. fill in the blank.

Pipe dream.

When nothing’s going on, and nothing’s happening, really savor these moments. Really bow down to the one not able to handle meetings, or new friends, or new ideas or chores. She’s signaling that she’s not up for this stuff. And she really needs to be honored and bowed down to. She’s processing a lot. It’s no small feat. Any of it.

To learn to bow to that little one is an act of great kindness. To do everything to resource her, and not do anything that is too overwhelming for her. Forget the should’s and could’s and but this is normal. Forget all this added pressure. Really drop the pressure. The pressure to be spiritual, to get ahead, to get it right, to get on with life, to not miss life, to take in the beauty of life, to heal, to be healthy, to be responsible, to be nice, to be good, to get rid of this feeling, to be over it already, to be anything other than what’s here is an act of violence. Even if it’s dressed in spiritual clothing. Spirituality can be really violent. Internally. We can be punishing ourselves and measuring ourselves up 24/7 with this stuff. It’s exhausting.

And this little one is exhausted, the one pretending to be spiritual is exhausted, the one pretending to be good is exhausted. Give these guys a break. Let them be the fumbly puddles that they are. With no this shouldn’t be like this madness, it is like this. It is. And there’s no way around it. No way over it or under it.

Being with What Is isn’t some like mystical idea of what is, like The Present Moment. It’s so overused and made into something that it fucks with the head. What is is literally what is. All of it. The dog poop is what is, the cat licking its’ ass is what is, feeling like shit is what is, not accepting is what is, being angry is what is, watching a bad movie is what is, it’s pointless to even call it what is. And maybe it’s better to let go of this lingo. Because it’s been made into something. It’s not heard.

When nothing’s happening, it might not feel good, because we’re so conditioned to not allow nothing to be happening. Nothing happening is almost like a faux pas. What are you doing? Nothing. Gasp! It’s not socially acceptable for nothing to be happening. But when nothing’s happening really recognize the beauty of nothing happening. Really lean into nothing’s happening. Lean into to it. Yay, nothing’s happening. Deep breath.