Do not cast harsh judgment on yourself for the circumstances you are in. It is so. It is meant to be so. You are choice-less in this. You cannot forgive what your heart is not ready for forgive. You cannot will relationships into existence when they are dying. You can only acknowledge that bare bones of reality within yourself of what’s here and what’s true for you.
Relationships that are dying or have been dead for a long time need be left alone to decompose. It is not ‘your’ doing. Your heart breaks at the fact that you are and will be misunderstood. And that you’ll stand alone in this. But the reality is you are alone. You are alone in everything. You cannot will yourself out of your aloneness because it’s the fact. The only fact.
Relationships that are dying or have been dead for a long time need be left alone to decompose.
The trouble comes when the illusion of the togetherness of others creates sadness in you. It highlights the feeling of alienation which has always been there as long as you can remember. You cannot overcome this feeling of alienation on the surface level of life by trying to resuscitate dead relationships. Just as you cannot resuscitate a corpse. It doesn’t work. It’s empty. You know and feel it to be so.
Lean into your aloneness even in all its seemingly barren landscape. Lean into the desolateness, the alienation, the pain of feeling misunderstood and the hopelessness of ever being understood. That’s the path – downward and inward not outward. It’s not a mistake. But it is hard to believe that when the desolateness and emptiness hits you in their coldness and deep sorrow.
You cannot overcome this feeling of alienation on the surface level of life by trying to resuscitate dead relationships. Just as you cannot resuscitate a corpse. It doesn’t work.
It is only in meeting these things in yourself or allowing them to be because they are – that you come to see that true intimacy is the ability to be in solitude and accept the solitude of others. True intimacy is the ability to let space and solitude take over the idea of relationship with another. True intimacy comes when you can be comfortable in your aloneness without the agitation of having to relate or take another into consideration mentally. True intimacy is when the other is no longer a burden to your own solitude.