How fast are you expecting things to fall away? You can’t rush this. Whatever this process is, it can’t be rushed. For you are not in charge here. And the momentum you’ve been running on is something that also has to die into this process.
Everything old is operating from pain, hurt, panic. From a tight knot of ‘I can’t be here like this. It’s unbearable to be here like this. If only I can tweak or do something to momentarily not feel like this‘. Rushing renewal, rushing rebirth, grasping onto new me. Not allowing the unknown seeming abyss between this and that. Whatever that is. If that ever will be or ever was.
Everything has to lose its meaning for it to mean anything at all. Everything has to die for you to stand a chance of being able to be here without the push and pull of momentum. Otherwise, you’re running endlessly.
The mind thinks listening to this heartbeat is a very, very stupid idea. It thinks it surely will be the demise of everything we have ever known. It murmurs that our salvation depends upon keeping this mind-created world together and running so we can at some point get to that place the culture has promised where it ’s all wonderful. It’s not going to happen.
Jeannie Zandi