Month: December 2022

Same same, NOT different. 

It’s ironic to see and realize that all the things ‘you’ did in the past that were upsetting to so many were actually coming from a place of wanting to dance on the edge of life and not knowing how. Being pummeled with “you’re bad, you’re crazy, you’re worthless” for daring to go to the edge and play with the limits of “what’s allowed”.

It’s not about some guy or sex or partying or even fighting with anybody. It was about experimenting on the edge. Trying to break free from the monotony and deadness of conditioning of what’s not true for you but everyone around you was insisting was. 

And having to doubt yourself and feel in your bones that there’s more to life than this, there’s more to existence than this, there has to be – that’s the magic. That’s the part of you that believes in and knows magic. Knows endless possibilities and refuses to settle for the given and permitted possibilities.

Fuck that, fuck you is what you said and did. No matter how messy, it was divine. It was to be held in reverence not shame. But you can do that now, not as a convincing of yourself or those parts of you that were battered in the unholy shaming of your heart. But as a holding of your heart to the light of what you know to be true in your bones, in your, breath and to bow to that freedom in you that came up against all the odds and said NO. 

Fuck that, fuck you is what you said and did. No matter how messy, it was divine. It was to be held in reverence not shame.

No to this. No to you. No to trying to limit me. This isn’t true. This isn’t real. Because it closes the heart. It closes love. It closes freedom. And their “righteousness” the righteousness of the “holier than thou” was and is bullshit, is a lie. You know it and you can call it. Enough doubting. Enough second-guessing. Enough playing small for the sake of their fragile egos.

They SUCKED the living life out of life. And you couldn’t bear it. Why would you? Why would anyone? Amen to that, to calling it, to naming it, to standing in your power and knowing and not letting anyone stir that doubt in you with their cunningness. Being cunning is a symptom of stupidity. Not an accolade. And you don’t have to bow to that false God any longer. 

Name it, recognize it, call it. False god. Where cunningness is seen as wisdom and truth is seen as the enemy, that’s not a world you want to live in and rightly so. Because that is a world where the heart goes to die. And to protect yourself from that world, to protect your heart, to protect your knowing, your clarity from that is the the ultimate act of love from love.

A protection and reverence for your heart to grow and be nurtured in truth. To protect that fiercely is the act of a true warrior and to have the feeling that you would die for it is a testament to your devotion. Devotion isn’t making namaste hands and becoming a “spiritual person”. Devotion is being willing to die for truth as a way of life. And you have that. And it is a testament to your power, to your strength, to your LOVE of LIFE. To your love of GOD. To your love of TRUTH.

When we’re operating from fear, we can make our worlds really small with self-imposed limitations. Not allowing ourselves to make mistakes is one of the ways we do this. Once we can acknowledge that we are here to learn and to experiment and try then we can remove all the harsh repercussions that we make up for ourselves. Even if they don’t “look” good.

Good things to know:

We will waste, there will be waste, there will be moments to clear the decks and start from scratch. That’s natural. Without thought, that’s a natural process. Clearing up, clearing out. The freedom to scratch everything and start over is a freedom we have been conditioned out of because we think everything needs to be preserved, not wasted – it’s a fear of being emptied. A hoarding of things, thoughts, processes, ways of doing things  which in themselves become limiting and restricting to us.

We lose the ability, ease and simplicity of stepping out of the box we made. We lose the ability to even see that we can. Throwing out the box completely is a necessary and basic life option that needs to be available and visible to us in all circumstances. The ability to start afresh is so liberating; holding on to things, ideas, creations, even holding on to momentum needs to be seen through for the limitation that it is. There’s great freedom in that. 

We lose the ability, ease and simplicity of stepping out of the box we made. We lose the ability to even see that we can.

We will try new things and they will have to come up against the conditioning to always be in ‘clear the decks’ mode. We will get messy and hoard again, maybe less so, maybe more so, but the freedom to allow that to happen is also something to come up against.

To not be limited by any way of doing things, of living, of being, to have no concept of good and bad is to live from a place of freshness and true freedom without self-imposed limitation. The freedom to get messy, to not be on top of it, to let things die, dissolve, disintegrate is also a necessary option that we sometimes lose sight of. To let go of the idea that it’s up to you to keep things alive, to keep things afloat is so liberating. 

Trying to reach an end point is another self-imposed limitation that sometimes stifles us out of being true and free and truly creative. Trying to finish the article, or finish the game, or have something wrapped up in a bow – all done. That’s the conditioned behavior of schooling. Where nothing is about the process, the validity of the process and the creativity of the process for itself, in itself without the end result being the holy god we worship. 

Working out is something that really falls into this conditioning too. When we’re trying to achieve a certain look and a certain routine or a certain consistency of how to do things; we’re operating from a desired future image. As opposed to being open to and sensitive to and listening to what the body needs, wants, enjoys at any given moment which is so different, varying and unpredictable.

Trying to stick to a routine is one of these things that really stifles our ability to be open and in tune with the moment. The same can be said about food, we can get so in our heads about how we’re eating, what we’re eating, when we’re eating. There’s such an overwhelming amount of contradictory information out there which can paralyze us from being able to tune in to our own body’s needs and unique ways of doing things which may be completely new and undiscovered, unknown to us. 

The ability to step outside the box is the essence of freedom. To not  be confined to any way, to any structure no matter how holy that structure is. To not be confined by conditioning, by gender, by other people’s opinions, by possibilities that are seen but instead to be open to the unseen, the dark, the abyss outside the box.

The abyss is freedom. When we can see that no amount of security is worth losing our freedom for, that no amount of security is even real, then our sense of self is free to expand beyond what we thought was possible. Beyond the ideas we have about life, about ourselves, about where we’re going, and how we’re going there. 

It’s good to question everything. Every habit, every “way of doing things”, every template given to you, it’s good to be on the edge of life in this way, to not be confined to the self-imposed limitations society, culture, and religion have pummeled us with. To live  on that edge means to be alone and to root in our own sovereignty. To not be defined by anything outside of us.

Our own existence, our own life, is our direct teacher and to be directed to that and by that is the utmost gift and privilege of life. To know in our bones that our life, our existence, our birthright is our own sovereignty which is independent, truly sovereign, truly free of anything outside of us. 

And to have the strength and the power and the willingness to grow feet under our sovereign hearts, our sovereign being is the privilege of a lifetime. To come against all the self-imposed limitations in our own psyche and to reckon with that is not for the faint of heart. To admire ourselves, our heart and to acknowledge our courage and sacrifice for following our heart is more than okay.

We need to be your own hero. Our own guide, our own best friend, our own lover, our own cheerleader. Not in the superficial immature way but in the real, true, to the core of us, in our guts way. 

How fast are you expecting things to fall away? You can’t rush this. Whatever this process is, it can’t be rushed. For you are not in charge here. And the momentum you’ve been running on is something that also has to die into this process.

Everything old is operating from pain, hurt, panic. From a tight knot of ‘I can’t be here like this. It’s unbearable to be here like this. If only I can tweak or do something to momentarily not feel like this‘. Rushing renewal, rushing rebirth, grasping onto new me. Not allowing the unknown seeming abyss between this and that. Whatever that is. If that ever will be or ever was.

Everything has to lose its meaning for it to mean anything at all. Everything has to die for you to stand a chance of being able to be here without the push and pull of momentum. Otherwise, you’re running endlessly.

The mind thinks listening to this heartbeat is a very, very stupid idea. It thinks it surely will be the demise of everything we have ever known. It murmurs that our salvation depends upon keeping this mind-created world together and running so we can at some point get to that place the culture has promised where it ’s all wonderful. It’s not going to happen.

Jeannie Zandi