When dreams and nightmares are coming to the surface to be examined and you’re choice-less in that this is happening. You’re bitching and screaming and yelling – cursing the gods along the way. Everything theoretical that you thought you understood ‘spiritually’ becomes a reality introducing itself in the moment from the unknown. Not from the mental idea of what you thought it would be.
“Ancestral trauma” is an idea, but in reality, you have no idea how it’s going to present itself in your experience as a living, breathing thing. The words and labels are referring to this living thing and somehow along the way the worlds got reversed. The idea became primary as an abstract thing you think you’re experiencing. But the actual experiencing comes out of nowhere, sometimes blindsiding you, leaving you floored by what you thought you knew.
There is nothing ‘fancy’ about spirituality. Nothing obtainable. It’s not a luxury and it’s not a side gig. Not for long anyway. Because life comes and slaps you sideways. And all that you thought you knew about life goes out the window pretty fast. And so there is nothing to learning vocabulary and getting ideas about what life is.
“There is nothing ‘fancy’ about spirituality. Nothing obtainable. It’s not a luxury and it’s not a side gig. Not for long anyway.”
There is nothing more valuable than your actual experience. Not the potential of it and not the ideal of it. The actual, unadulterated, ground-level experience no matter how ‘unfancy’. Theories and hypotheticals won’t get you anywhere. But your actual experience of where you’re hitting walls and falling flat on your face is the bootcamp – spiritual bootcamp.
If the word ‘spiritual’ means anything to you, throw it in the garbage. If it’s anything like the idea of ‘ancestral trauma’ then it’s just an abstraction. Some vague understanding or notion which means nothing. The living, breathing thing of what you call ‘spiritual’ is an inquiry, somewhere to start.
If the word ‘spiritual’ means anything to you, throw it in the garbage.
What is ‘spiritual’? What does that word even mean to you? It’s tossed around left and right, but what does it actually mean to you? What is your experience of of what is ‘spiritual’?
Reaching a dead-end. Hitting a wall. Falling flat on your face. Having all meaning stripped from “your life”. Searching but not knowing what you’re searching for. Searching but not finding. Deep listening. Recognizing when you’re hearing truth but not knowing what truth is.
Yearning, longing, aching. Being turned inside out. Pain. Fear. Terror. Truth confronting lies. In you and outside of you. Lies confronting truth. In you and outside of you. Recognizing untruth. Recognizing the unbearability of it. Feeling desperate, shaky and achey. Trembling at wonder. Dumbfounded by the ‘mystery’.
Being pissed at the teacher. Mad at the world. Wanting to jump out of your own skin. Intense awareness of mortality. Not belonging anywhere. Not for long anyway. Being repulsive to and repulsed by. Discomfort is your only friend. Becoming your shadow. A skinned animal. A deeply wounded ancient child.
So wounded your face is contorted into a shape no one was meant to ever see. Not having the will to hide or the ability to mask. All masks falling off. Wandering in darkness. Losing hope and hopelessness. Bone deep rawness. Gut-wrenching authenticity. Despicable truth telling.
Losing linearity. Shifting perception. Beauty not in things. Wholeness that does not comfort. Symphony, harmony, infinity. Infinitesimal smallness. Bag of meat – ness. Heartbreak. Zero tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. Corpse-style rest. Soul-level exhaustion. Monsters in rank closets gasping for air.
The end of the world. That is ‘spirituality’ to me.