Month: October 2022

The challenge of not succumbing to the appearance of goodness.

Holiness is not doing what’s ‘right’ according to ‘morality’. Holiness is following your truth no matter what it looks like. Morality is sometimes a showcasing of ‘goodness’. It may look holy but be far from. Not adhering to the looks of things may trigger a lot of fear in you. And it may piss off a lot of people in the process.

In many ways, we are conditioned be ‘good’ for the appearance of ‘goodness’. But the appearance of goodness and actual goodness are two sometimes very different things and at times diametrically opposed. When you can no longer follow or do for the sake of the appearance of good, you will have to face in yourself the false shame and guilt for ‘not being good’.

“Not adhering to the looks of things may trigger a lot of fear in you. And it may piss off a lot of people in the process.”

What’s true for you may not look very ‘good’. May not be pleasing to the eyes of society, family, culture and the values of ‘goodness’ they uphold. Fear and terror of going against the grain of ‘agreed upon goodness’ is a very real thing. Because the animal of the body suddenly doesn’t feel safe and for good reason.

It’s opposing the tribe, going against unspoken rules (and sometimes spoken rules) to follow its heart – all the while not knowing where all this will lead, not knowing if it’s supported by something unseen or whether it’s gone mad. To live on this edge of leaning away from the upheld ‘good’, the upheld norm is a challenge to the nervous system.

What’s true for you may not look very ‘good’. May not be pleasing to the eyes of society, family, culture and the values of ‘goodness’ they uphold.

So much fear is fired up and a discomfort of not knowing whether you’re safe or not at all times is taxing. Leaning into safety and relaxation becomes that much more challenging. Because something wants to be on the frontlines in defense mode in case there’s an attack. To be able to recognize that this is happening in you and acknowledge the terrified one inside is no small feat by any means.

It requires real courage, a real shot in the dark kind of willingness to be able to live on this edge. And it’s painful and hard and uncomfortable. It’s not something to sneeze at and it’s not something to throw spirituality at. Because the threat is real in a sense, you are provoking a lot of folks and it would be naive or a kind of denial to be nonchalant about it.

Trusting your gut is key here because when you’re outnumbered, it’s so easy to start doubting yourself and to feel insane. Especially with the added magic trick of the appearance of goodness being showcased by Tom, Dick and Harry. And here you are being a no good Sally.

When dreams and nightmares are coming to the surface to be examined and you’re choice-less in that this is happening. You’re bitching and screaming and yelling – cursing the gods along the way. Everything theoretical that you thought you understood ‘spiritually’ becomes a reality introducing itself in the moment from the unknown. Not from the mental idea of what you thought it would be.

“Ancestral trauma” is an idea, but in reality, you have no idea how it’s going to present itself in your experience as a living, breathing thing. The words and labels are referring to this living thing and somehow along the way the worlds got reversed. The idea became primary as an abstract thing you think you’re experiencing. But the actual experiencing comes out of nowhere, sometimes blindsiding you, leaving you floored by what you thought you knew.

There is nothing ‘fancy’ about spirituality. Nothing obtainable. It’s not a luxury and it’s not a side gig. Not for long anyway. Because life comes and slaps you sideways. And all that you thought you knew about life goes out the window pretty fast. And so there is nothing to learning vocabulary and getting ideas about what life is.

“There is nothing ‘fancy’ about spirituality. Nothing obtainable. It’s not a luxury and it’s not a side gig. Not for long anyway.”

There is nothing more valuable than your actual experience. Not the potential of it and not the ideal of it. The actual, unadulterated, ground-level experience no matter how ‘unfancy’. Theories and hypotheticals won’t get you anywhere. But your actual experience of where you’re hitting walls and falling flat on your face is the bootcamp – spiritual bootcamp.

If the word ‘spiritual’ means anything to you, throw it in the garbage. If it’s anything like the idea of ‘ancestral trauma’ then it’s just an abstraction. Some vague understanding or notion which means nothing. The living, breathing thing of what you call ‘spiritual’ is an inquiry, somewhere to start.

If the word ‘spiritual’ means anything to you, throw it in the garbage.

What is ‘spiritual’? What does that word even mean to you? It’s tossed around left and right, but what does it actually mean to you? What is your experience of of what is ‘spiritual’?

Reaching a dead-end. Hitting a wall. Falling flat on your face. Having all meaning stripped from “your life”. Searching but not knowing what you’re searching for. Searching but not finding. Deep listening. Recognizing when you’re hearing truth but not knowing what truth is.

Yearning, longing, aching. Being turned inside out. Pain. Fear. Terror. Truth confronting lies. In you and outside of you. Lies confronting truth. In you and outside of you. Recognizing untruth. Recognizing the unbearability of it. Feeling desperate, shaky and achey. Trembling at wonder. Dumbfounded by the ‘mystery’.

Being pissed at the teacher. Mad at the world. Wanting to jump out of your own skin. Intense awareness of mortality. Not belonging anywhere. Not for long anyway. Being repulsive to and repulsed by. Discomfort is your only friend. Becoming your shadow. A skinned animal. A deeply wounded ancient child.

So wounded your face is contorted into a shape no one was meant to ever see. Not having the will to hide or the ability to mask. All masks falling off. Wandering in darkness. Losing hope and hopelessness. Bone deep rawness. Gut-wrenching authenticity. Despicable truth telling.

Losing linearity. Shifting perception. Beauty not in things. Wholeness that does not comfort. Symphony, harmony, infinity. Infinitesimal smallness. Bag of meat – ness. Heartbreak. Zero tolerance for bullshit and bullshitters. Corpse-style rest. Soul-level exhaustion. Monsters in rank closets gasping for air.

The end of the world. That is ‘spirituality’ to me.

beneath the saccharine ‘family’ surface.

The pressure has been mounting for years to re-integrate into the world as it was and as it is for our families. Their stance is like a thinly veiled threat; a hatred toward our audacity to go against their wishes, expectations, desires, demands and fantasies. To be true to ourselves.

Their saccharine smiles fail to cover their deep sense of disdain and repulsion toward all that is true, all that is straight-forward. They would rather we all lived a lie; happy in our monotony, with dead eyes and dirty tricks up our sleeves. They’d rather we used them for their money, their prestige, their power.

Their saccharine smiles fail to cover their deep sense of disdain and repulsion toward all that is true, all that is straight-forward. They would rather we all lived a lie; happy in our monotony, with dead eyes and dirty tricks up our sleeves.

The fact that we don’t enrages them. Belittles them. Makes them feel powerless. Powerless over their children. For all they really want is power over. To coerce. To blackmail. To corner. That, they call sanity, “normal life”. That, they worship, on both knees, they’re bowing to this God.

“Love me or else, motherfucker!“

The God they worship is a God they use to guilt-trip, to manipulate, to instill fear. To get what they want without having to do it themselves. Believe it themselves. Their words are empty. Their indifference – ghastly. Their persistence something akin to a nightmare.

“We miss you”, they say, but what they “miss” is their ability to have control over. To get you to fall in line, be an extension of their agendas, pristine masks, glittery cars and socially mummified personas.

Scratch a little beneath the surface and the real deviousness reveals itself. Say “no” a few times and you’ll see a whole other side, a whole other face. You’ll see a plethora of strategies unfold before your eyes. Love-bombing, gaslighting, bombarding, blackmailing, guilt-tripping, silent-treatment, hostility, re-writing history, outright threatening, competing, flying monkeys, sabotaging – all of it.

Scratch a little beneath the surface and the real deviousness reveals itself. Say “no” a few times and you’ll see a whole other side, a whole other face. You’ll see a plethora of strategies unfold before your eyes.

There is something to be said about keeping your eyes open for all of it. Not turning away. Not denying what you see. But seeing all of it, in it’s nasty, shitty, fucked up, nauseating, repulsive, soul-irking, heart-breaking, messy, vile truth of it. That’s a feat.

They’d rather you died than be real. They’d rather you fake for the rest of your god forsaken life than say a word of truth. God forbid any truth slips out into the room, you’ll see fucking 80 year old’s doing jumping jacks, handstands and cartwheels just to divert the attention and cover whatever truth managed to leak into their dense bomb shelter lives. A real wild performance.

God forbid any truth slips out into the room, you’ll see fucking 80 year old’s doing jumping jacks, handstands and cartwheels just to divert the attention and cover whatever truth managed to leak into their dense bomb shelter lives. A real wild performance.

If you want to see respectable, ‘by the book’ people turn into circus freaks in the blink of an eye, just breathe truth.

Acknowledging the raging animal within.

Fuck it mode is reaching your edge when you’re pinned against the wall; driven nuts with limitations that are beyond your control. Fuck it mode is when at that edge, you give yourself permission to do what you need to do, to say what you need to say for your own sake, for your own sanity, for your own well-being.

It used to be a self-destructive coping mechanism; drugs, sex, food, alcohol- without balance, without wisdom. It was self-annihilation in slow-mo because the pain was too great, the confusion was too profound, the misunderstanding wasn’t a gap but a chasm.

Cornered, gasping for air, fuck it is a survival mechanism that kicks in. Animalistic. Primordial. It throws out the ideal and puts you in touch with the raw, naked, breathing, shaking, hungry, wild, horny animal that is here, on this ground, in this cosmos. What it needs, what it really feels. Untamed without the etiquette of civility being superimposed on it.

The etiquette of being a civil is the task or burden of being human in a dysfunctional, out-of-touch, repressive, oppressive, suppressive society-culture- religion. The modus operandi of which is somehow balancing everything and everyone at your own expense, at the cost of your own sovereignty, sanity and inherent freedom.

Pretend to be something more “presentable” than the raging animal that you are inside, says the world you live in. That’s when fuck it mode becomes destructive because it becomes internalized as ‘bad’. Because the message being received either overtly or covertly from the external world is so.

Tuck away your raging animal in the darkest corner of the farthest room far, far away from our dull gaze because it’s “inappropriate” (you fucking weirdo – is what they want to say). And before you know it, before you get a say, down goes the raging animal in the dark abyss of your subconscious passively dictating your life in the unseen realms of your psyche.

Tuck away your raging animal in the darkest corner of the farthest room far, far away from our dull gaze because it’s “inappropriate” (you fucking weirdo – is what they want to say).

There you are, left fucking miserable, unknowingly self-annihilating (aka addiction), running amok because you’ve learnt that something that exists in you is unacceptable, shame-able even disgusting. Thinking you’re the only one with this raging animal because everyone else seems perfectly regal in their untarnished civility.

Well-adjusted and comfy in their make-believe paradigm of civility, etiquette and appropriateness. You’re left with nothing but echos from the collective reverberating in the seeming shallow emptiness of “your life”. “This is how things are done. What will people say. Have you lost your mind?! “…. and so on.

Acknowledging the raging animal within is the first step to rectifying the wrongness that has been done to this misunderstood holy creature. Which in its innocence believes it’s bad for its natural urges, humanness and inability to cope. Inability to do good, to be good, to act good; to be regal in shit, to sit pretty in the norm.

You’re left with nothing but echos from the collective reverberating in the seeming shallow emptiness of ‘your life’. “This is how things are done. What will people say. Have you lost your mind?!”

It’s misunderstanding is that it itself is wrong. When in fact the opposite is true. The wrongness is in the violent, suppressive world of normal where judgement is used like a personalized and collective weapon to keep everyone in check. To shame everyone who doesn’t comply into their corners of alienation and isolation where they can examine their wrongness and badness of non compliance and hopefully reassess whether going against the norm is ‘worth it’ – coming back to your senses is what they call it. The irony. 

But what if the raging animal was, is right. What if fuck it mode even in its reckless, destructive and hopelessly misguided form was actually a failed attempt to reclaim your power, sovereignty and zest for life. Not something to be deemed wrong but something to be recognized, upheld and included as an intelligent, natural, primal, raw, naked truth.

A truth which when suppressed, breeds all kinds of perversions and confusions wreaking havoc. The real “coming back to your senses” is coming back and acknowledging and reckoning with the raging animal who’s been cornered and made wrong for so long. This doesn’t have to be abstract or “out there” but as simple as asking that part of yourself to have a say, including it in small ways at first.

What’s important is its inclusion; acknowledging and honoring the intelligence and righteousness of the raging animal. This raging animal is not crazy. Is not wrong. But actually, sacred. This raging animal is a guide. It is here to help you. For you, to recognize when you need to throw away your fake politeness and get real about what you’re actually feeling. What your truth is. Regardless of what everyone else is doing. Regardless of what it “looks” like.

It’s living in accordance to what’s true for you and the only reason it’s seen as “rebellious” is because it goes against the insidious norm.

The one who’s got her shit together, puts herself first versus the raggedy one who’s forgets about herself. Alternating between one and the other. Judging one from the other. One’s better, one’s worst. One’s good, the other’s bad.

I’m not working out enough, I am cleaning too much. – This stress, this inner judgement of the “unawake me” versus the “awake me”. This is where you can really lose yourself in “spiritually” which in itself has become a “culture” – a thing.

Ping-ponging from the beta version to the 2.0 version is the stress, is the suffering. The one trying to create balance, become more sovereign, more independent – as a goal versus the one trying to leave behind the raggedy, over-extending, “conditioned” version of herself.

Grasping onto the new and improved, sovereign, worked out, healthy, balanced 2.0 version and averse to the raggedy, falling apart, needy one. This tension, the push and pull of it, the fear of falling back into something ‘old’, reverting back to “old” habits.

This idea of “the work” being undone. The idea of linearity and progress. I’m getting better, I’m feeling better, I’m getting somewhere. That goal-oriented mindset is the springboard for suffering. Especially when it comes to awakening, “shadow work”, all this stuff becomes something, becomes a “culture”, an interest, a “lifestyle” and thus bastardized.

That goal-oriented mindset is the springboard for suffering. Especially when it comes to awakening, “shadow work”, all this stuff becomes something, becomes a “culture”, an interest, a “lifestyle” and thus bastardized.

This isn’t the point. This idea of a new and improved version of myself needs to be seen for the stress and misguided springboard for suffering that it is. We’re not “getting” anywhere. Not trying to improve or prove anything, let alone hold onto being improved and avoid and deny anything that falters from the “new heights” we’ve reached.

This is hokum. Bullshit. La la land. A new false dream. A new egoic fantasy more dangerous than the simpleton ego which knew nothing of spirituality. Ego 2.0 – insidious and misguided at best. Don’t go down this road. There’s nothing there except more of the same bullshit with ‘higher’ stakes.

Your heart closes with this for a reason. The one who can’t get her shit together is there for a reason. She’s not something to be denied or cleaned up quick or worked on for good riddance. This isn’t the point, to be all polished, to be this as opposed to that. No. This is delusional.

There’s an integrity that doesn’t shun older versions or seek newer versions. It doesn’t play these games. This integrity is not contrived. It’s not something, it has no ambition to speak of. It knows nothing that is sacred and nothing that is not sacred. It’s like dirt. “Dogshit awareness”.

This integrity is inherent in you. It’s the part the calls out funny business when it sees it. It’s not hoity-toity. Not elevated. Not up there with the angels and luminous beings beyond your reach – whatever your reach is.

There’s something to bringing this completely down to earth. Not calling on anything holy. Because in that there’s a distinction. The moment you see a tree as holy, the tree becomes separate. It becomes a thing of the “beyond” and you become this lowly sure-as-hell unholy thing outside of it.

So drop this nonsense, bring it down to earth. Don’t shy away from it. Because you’ve seen the dangers of calling things holy and getting carried away with language making things bigger and more grandiose than our understanding. Keep it simple. Keep it on the ground-level. Nothing fancy.

There is no emergency. No reason to leave yourself. No reason to stop being kind to yourself. Everything is an opportunity for greater kindness and greater rest. There is no urgency. No reason to be uprooted.

Everything in your conditioning screams otherwise. But it’s an old nightmare. A trauma loop. A place for pause if pause is possible.

There’s no need for panic. No need for rush or haste. It’s okay to let the whole world pass you by. To let the day come, go and wash away on your shore.

This isn’t about getting it ‘right’. Or being a really good person. Or saying the exact right thing.This is about letting what’s here be here, what’s showing up in you, no matter how ugly, how sacrilege, how unbearable.

It’s okay to let the whole world pass you by. To let the day come, go and wash away on your shore.

Giving yourself the gift of non-judgement, kindness, acceptance and belonging if only to yourself. If only to this moment. If only to this pain, this pain that keeps showing up. Calling, aching, longing to be welcomed. This pain will break you open.

Being able to rest in the midst of all circumstances is a gift, is the point, is a birthright. Not a mistake. Not abhorrent. But absolutely right. Absolutely needed. Absolutely it.

Come back to yourself. You don’t owe anybody anything. Neither does anybody owe you – there’s freedom in that. Belong to yourself first and foremost. Bring ease to social anxiety. Sounds paradoxical but it’s possible. Bring ease into communication and give space around the receiving of and responding to.

The anxiety of trying not to make anyone feel bad is something to feel into not follow up on. It’s okay to take your time and really sense into what feels most true for you instead of trying to mitigate their feelings or your imagination of their feelings. The pressure of that is too overwhelming for your system.

Notice the patterns, that’s what this is about, not about anything else. Don’t be a hero, don’t be spiritual, don’t be nice and don’t be too cool either. Don’t cover up your gut feelings by spiritually gaslighting yourself. Or your natural inclinations by shaming yourself. You’re here for a reason. You know what you’re about.

Don’t be a hero, don’t be spiritual, don’t be nice. Don’t cover up your gut feelings by spiritually gaslighting yourself.

Stay true to what feels most joyful to you, most supportive of you. You’re not here to support anybody else. That’s not your job. Inquire into what feels most safe, what feels most curious, what feels most supportive, most uplifting to you.

What doesn’t feel like an obligation. Enough obligations. Enough acting from obligation, “duty”. We’ve had enough of that. Bring things backs to you. This is about what’s most loving, kind, supportive, true, safe and real for you. You’re here for you.

Not everybody gets access to you. Not everybody gets access to your time. It’s not a given. You’re not available in that sense. You’re not open in that sense. Your openness and availability is to the moment, to yourself, to what’s here prior to what “social” expectations demand of you.

This is a deep dive into you. And a sinking into what is prior and kinder to any expectation or any demand – even ones you have of yourself. It’s not about the harshness or challenge or your capacity to overextend yourself and “bear it all”.

No.

When you’ve been conditioned to believe that you are betraying others or hurting them by being true to yourself then this is the result. Constantly overextending yourself to make others feel ‘comfortable’, feel at ‘ease’ with your choices, your decisions, your actions, your words.

As if they have some kind of ‘final’ say (and many have in the past) as to what sort of person you are if you betray their expectations or their judgments of you. And so you feel imprisoned because you fear the judgment of the other. Your ability to be open becomes compromised at the expense of yourself.

This is codependency. That’s not to say that anything goes and you should overlook slights that feel iffy, but to feel free in your relating with another is to be unleashed from the tightness of codependency. To be able to relate from a place that’s not tight, that’s not holding on with a million and one unspoken expectations.

Relationship dynamics are born out of these constructs, out of these expectations and out of these judgements. Roles are assigned this way; leader, follower, giver, taker. Someone who’s ‘allowed’ to be selfish and another who’s not. And a prison is formed and you become bound to a form of relationship born of obligation not freedom.

It’s a radical change when your allegiance shifts from the ‘other’ to yourself. Whether the ‘other’ is another person or a group or a social agreement or societal pressure or a person of authority- it’s all the same, it’s other.