WINGING IT.
It’s okay not to worry. Not to have justifications for your actions or lack thereof. It’s okay to be winging it. It’s okay to go off script. To not know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. To just go with what’s happening. I feel like once you admit that, then you do know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Not from a place of justifying your behavior but from a place of just being clear about this is what feels right for now. This is what’s available and this is what I want right now.
You’re not going against the will of “whatever” – the universe, the divine, your own heart. Your actions or decisions are coming from what’s happening, what’s available, what’s revealing itself to you and your actions are supported in that they are happening. What’s not supportive is the endless thought processes about where everything is going or why you’re doing what you’re doing. The justifications, the measurements of your behavior in accordance with taking others’ impressions of your behavior into consideration.
The thought processes of trying to figure out why you don’t vibe with certain things anymore and trying to understand and justify to yourself in that. Maybe you don’t have to understand. Maybe you don’t have to justify things anymore. Maybe it’s okay to be winging it and not living from a place of fear and trepidation. Fear and trepidation are the thought processes, are the endless “trying to understand” so that you feel somehow in control. So that you don’t make a mistake. So that you’re not punished for your recklessness.
But what if you’re not being reckless? How do you know what being reckless is or how being responsible is if you’ve never tried being responsible. Being responsible doesn’t mean never making big decisions, never taking a risk, always being careful. That’s not being responsible. Even in those you’ve watched living in extreme trepidation, they have taken risks, they have made big decisions. They’ve just tried to deny you that privilege. To make you doubt yourself because your risks, your decisions take you away from them. And so it’s not in their best interest to support your decision-making, trusting-yourself ability. Because in their mind, it’s a threat to them.
The harshness of judgment within yourself comes from fearing life, fearing yourself. Fearing your ability make a call; to go this way or that way – to make a choice and see where it goes. This kind of doubt defeats the purpose of life. It’s a stunting doubt. It’s a deer in headlights. “Don’t do anything”, “don’t make any sudden movements” – out of fear. Fear of ‘not enough’, fear of not being supported, fear of messing up, fear of getting it wrong, fear or fucking up, fear of being scolded, being held responsible for a mistake. And who will do that to you? No one other than yourself. Even if someone else comes to scold you, if you don’t believe it, it won’t have any effect on you. You’ll find it silly and unnecessary. You won’t buy into it.
So you need to be clear with yourself first and foremost. No one else needs to sign off on anything. You sign off. You make the call. Not in rebelliousness but in trust and love of yourself. In knowing that you are trustworthy, you are trying your best, you are responsible. You’re not trying to do any harm or cause a ruckus, you’re just trying to follow your heart for God’s sake.
To follow what’s opening your heart. To follow the wisdom of that, the scent of that, in accordance with your circumstances. In accordance to what’s available to you, in accordance to what’s opening up in you, in accordance with your sovereignty. In accordance with your humility also, but not debilitating humility. Not the kind of humility that pretends to be humility but is really fear.
Breathe into that and learn to trust yourself even in the midst of winging it and going off script. That’s what you’re all about. It’s all there ever was for you, going off script. You just have been fought on it so hard, the trepidation in you is an intelligence warning you that ‘we’ve done this before and shit’s hit the fan’. But you can take it easy with the trepidation itself. With the heart feeling closed and heavy, with the clutching fear in the gut. You can take it easy with those things.
Acknowledge these things, recognize them, don’t immediately jump to conclusions that you’ve messed up or are in the process of messing up. Don’t buy into the complete self-doubt. Complete stuntedness. Those things can be there but you don’t have to buy into them or feed them. You can choose to take it easy even with the fear, the trepidation, the stuntedness, and crippling doubt. You can always take it easy, that is within your control even when you feel out of control.