Month: September 2022

My parents spent their whole lives trying to escape each other, escape where they’re from and escape their circumstances. They used their jobs for this purpose. Traveling from one country to the next, never being able to settle down. Once they did settle down, all hell broke loose. They could not bear to be in one place together with no prospects ahead of them. Years of escapism and of issues un-dealt with exploded in their face.

They also could not leave each other. They did not have the courage and were too invested; the ‘time’ they’d put in together was viewed as a literal investment and the thought of it amounting to nothing was unbearable – especially to my mother. There may have been love there too, but none they could own up to or even express. Expressing love was seen as a weakness, a point of exploitation between them.

And so, there was no love between them – visible to the naked eye. It was a power struggle from the very beginning; each battling their own demons and strategizing how to out-maneuver the other. The notion of love in the family was a distant dream – almost like a fairy tale; both seemed to view it with a decent measure of disdain. Love was used as a means for exploitation, each had to harden up even more to be able to survive the relationship.

The notion of love in family was a distant dream – almost like a fairy tale; both seemed to view it with a decent measure of disdain. Because it was used as a means for exploitation, each had to harden up even more to be able to survive the relationship.

By the time my father was reaching the end of his life, he was stripped of his physical ability to move about and in that was a great humbling and a breaking down of all his defenses and strategies. Everything he had spent his life gathering and procuring meant nothing and all he wanted at this point was love – a tender heart. But seldom could he find one.

It was too late; too much of a mess. My mother could not see the visible tenderness that was radiating through my father’s eyes. In his fragile state, his heart was broken and a stark sense of regret and disbelief colored his days. Most of which he could not express as he was heavily conditioned to keep it all in – “be a man”.

He was the head of a very big family; children from two wives with generations between them. His first wife died young, he later married my mother and would struggle all his life to reconcile his old family with his new family.

He was very ambitious, very capable – he wanted to evolve as a human being even if it expressed it self superficially by “climbing the social ladder”or gaining prestige. After all, it was a matter of survival – the only way to feel safe and to ensure a sheltered life according to the cultural paradigm.

His old family was very possessive of him. His children and grandchildren could not bear him being another’s and they rejected at their core the fact that his new family was a reality. And so they always kept him in check. To the point where he also became wary and convinced himself that his new family was not really his “real” family. Not to be included, not to be accepted in any real sense but only superficially.

This all became painfully obvious the first time he was sent to the hospital after a brain hemorrhage. One would expect that family would come together under such dire circumstances, but the opposite was true. The very real poisonous rift that was fed throughout his lifetime between old and new became ever so clear.

One would expect that family would come together under such dire circumstances, but the opposite was true. The very real poisonous rift that was fed throughout his lifetime between old and new became ever so clear.

A sudden shift in attitude where the bare bones reality of the relationships became exposed. In many ways, this is the gift of very sudden circumstances – although it may not feel like it. The power dynamic changed and all of a sudden the superficial inclusion of the new family went out the window. The reality of “us and them” imposed itself.

The sad truth is that none of this could be reconciled by the time he was bed-ridden and just wishing for some real company. They say, ‘you reap what you sow’ – this was very much the truth. Much of his life was spent sowing this very poisonous rift whether through his silence, his ambivalence or even indulgence of a very sinister rejection of his own ability to move on. This division between old and new became his very own nightmare which came back to haunt him.

My heart broke for my father because I loved him dearly. Underneath this facade and unnecessary rift was a very sweet and genuine young boy. I came to know this boy more and more toward the end of his life. This boy needed love. May it be so that you know that you are deeply loved father. May the precious moments we shared and the connection of love between us last for life eternal. May I come to see you not just as a father but as the gentle soul that you are deep down; the life-loving, sweet and tender truth of who you are.

When the whole world seems to be coming and going and you’re stuck in the same god forsaken place. This is a kind of reality that is seldom spoken of except in negative terms. Stuck in a rut with all the efforts to get out of the rut and the self-beration for not being able to. 

The rut is not just a physical rut but something that overarches all aspects of your life -that which can be spoken of and pointed to and that which cannot. A major trait of the rut is no movement, no window of opportunity seeming to present itself. You’re Cornered. Squeezed. You’re Unable with a capital ‘U’. Everything around you is dying , decomposing -including yourself – and you can’t will yourself out of the corner, out of the rut. 

The reality of “normal’”  becomes almost like a distant dream – a place where life is happening for everybody else around you but not for you. They’re all making decisions, coming and going, getting married, reaching crossroads, overcoming etc. – all part of the normal narrative which includes movement.  A narrative which ‘you’ were once a part of.

Part of you remembers this narrative, this way of life like a distant dream. Somehow, somewhere and without warning this narrative dropped away in a seeming abyss beyond the reach of your grasping arms. And you found yourself in a new reality of no possibility, no movement, no ability – none of which can be seen or measured by you or anyone else.

Somehow, somewhere and without warning this narrative dropped away in a seeming abyss beyond the reach of your grasping arms.

So, what do you do? How do you reconcile your life with that of the seeming norm? The old narrative of transformation and movement and evolution. How do you not fall into a deep despair that either you or Life has failed – has made a grievous error. How do you not feel like something has gone terribly wrong and hate your life for it, hate Life for it, hate yourself for it – all the same.

You can’t. All of the above is a rite of passage. This questioning, this falling, this despairing, this grieving is the kind of thing that irks on a soul-level. There’s no way around it. It tugs and tears at a very human need to want to live. To want to be out there, doing things, living, moving, making changes where need be, transforming, etc. – “living your life”, “exercising your autonomy”.

And the torture of watching others “live their life”; come and go, do, be and climb and all of it – is something to be reckoned with. Something to acknowledge and recognize for the torture that it is. The torture of comparing this rut to all that is not the rut- which just happens to be the whole world in action.

That is to say that this rut is something to be acknowledged, spoken of, recognized even honored – in all its agony, with all the despair, and with the amount of patience and resilience needed to be able to withstand it. The wisdom needed to be able to distinguish between “normal” transformation and the kind of transformation that happens in the rut is a distinction of value.

This rut is something to be acknowledged, spoken of, recognized even honored – in all its agony, with all the despair, and with the amount of patience and resilience needed to be able to withstand it.

This value being the need to be reminded to not look outside yourself in comparison to what “normal” is. To understand the parameters and traits of the rut so that you’re not living in the torture of comparing that which cannot be compared, cannot be understood, cannot even be conveyed to others.

That which has no visible features, no outline – to be able to point to it and say, “I am going through this, this is what’s happening to me”. Because on the outside, nothing is happening. Nothing is visible to the onlooker and especially the onlooker coming from the old narrative of normal and everyone “living their life”.

This distinction, this breaking-off point where you fall off the face of the earth and are unable to reconcile this with that. This place, this point is a holy, grace-filled, undoing. And it does not look like you want it to look. And it does not feel like you want it to feel. And it offers nothing to which the old narrative can look and distinguish as “progress”, as “winning”, as “achieving”, or even as “living”.

This distinction, this breaking-off point where you fall off the face of the earth and are unable to reconcile this with that. This place, this point is a holy, grace-filled, undoing.

The whole notion of “living my life” comes to an end here. It falls off the face of the earth and you along with it. And there’s no coming back from that. This is a prayer answered and in this answering all that you once knew, the old narrative with everything and everyone in it, dies. And you die to everyone.

Acknowledge this rut, acknowledge the hardship of it- don’t make it an unknown enemy. When you ask, “how is waking up to truth even possible here?”, it’s possible and this is what it looks like. It looks like this.

Everything is solvable. Everything is possible. What you’re most afraid of is not the circumstances but that you would betray yourself. You would abandon yourself in the midst of the circumstances. That you would doubt yourself and as a result be susceptible to the hypnosis of the old nightmare.

The old nightmare being the old world, the world of self-betrayal and self-abandonment where you’re putting others first. And you’re lost even to yourself; you can’t get your bearings. That’s the nightmare. The nightmare of not finding your “No”, your “I’m leaving now”, your unboundedness, your boundaries, your choice-making ability. That hypnosis.

That hypnosis is not to be dismissed for it does have a power. It does have momentum. It does have a hold in that its’ hypnotizing, sleep-inducing power comes from the fear of standing alone in face of the majority. The illusion being that the majority seem to agree and you stand alone in your “disagreeability”. That’s where your susceptibility is.

The illusion being that the majority seem to agree and you stand alone in your “disagreeability”. That’s where your susceptibility is.

Standing alone in the face of the so-called “norm”. That’s the fear. The fear of having your truth overridden by the majority, overridden by the “norm”. But once you recognize that you have the ability within you not to cave to that illusion, it’s like you reclaim your power. You reclaim your freedom in being willing to stand alone come what may.

Do not cast harsh judgment on yourself for the circumstances you are in. It is so. It is meant to be so. You are choice-less in this. You cannot forgive what your heart is not ready for forgive. You cannot will relationships into existence when they are dying. You can only acknowledge that bare bones of reality within yourself of what’s here and what’s true for you.

Relationships that are dying or have been dead for a long time need be left alone to decompose. It is not ‘your’ doing. Your heart breaks at the fact that you are and will be misunderstood. And that you’ll stand alone in this. But the reality is you are alone. You are alone in everything. You cannot will yourself out of your aloneness because it’s the fact. The only fact.

Relationships that are dying or have been dead for a long time need be left alone to decompose.

The trouble comes when the illusion of the togetherness of others creates sadness in you. It highlights the feeling of alienation which has always been there as long as you can remember. You cannot overcome this feeling of alienation on the surface level of life by trying to resuscitate dead relationships. Just as you cannot resuscitate a corpse. It doesn’t work. It’s empty. You know and feel it to be so.

Lean into your aloneness even in all its seemingly barren landscape. Lean into the desolateness, the alienation, the pain of feeling misunderstood and the hopelessness of ever being understood. That’s the path – downward and inward not outward. It’s not a mistake. But it is hard to believe that when the desolateness and emptiness hits you in their coldness and deep sorrow. 

You cannot overcome this feeling of alienation on the surface level of life by trying to resuscitate dead relationships. Just as you cannot resuscitate a corpse. It doesn’t work.

It is only in meeting these things in yourself or allowing them to be because they are – that you come to see that true intimacy is the ability to be in solitude and accept the solitude of others. True intimacy is the ability to let space and solitude take over the idea of relationship with another. True intimacy comes when you can be comfortable in your aloneness without the agitation of having to relate or take another into consideration mentally. True intimacy is when the other is no longer a burden to your own solitude.

WINGING IT.

It’s okay not to worry. Not to have justifications for your actions or lack thereof. It’s okay to be winging it. It’s okay to go off script. To not know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. To just go with what’s happening. I feel like once you admit that, then you do know what you’re doing and why you’re doing it. Not from a place of justifying your behavior but from a place of just being clear about this is what feels right for now. This is what’s available and this is what I want right now.

You’re not going against the will of “whatever” – the universe, the divine, your own heart. Your actions or decisions are coming from what’s happening, what’s available, what’s revealing itself to you and your actions are supported in that they are happening. What’s not supportive is the endless thought processes about where everything is going or why you’re doing what you’re doing. The justifications, the measurements of your behavior in accordance with taking others’ impressions of your behavior into consideration.

The thought processes of trying to figure out why you don’t vibe with certain things anymore and trying to understand and justify to yourself in that. Maybe you don’t have to understand. Maybe you don’t have to justify things anymore. Maybe it’s okay to be winging it and not living from a place of fear and trepidation. Fear and trepidation are the thought processes, are the endless “trying to understand” so that you feel somehow in control. So that you don’t make a mistake. So that you’re not punished for your recklessness.

But what if you’re not being reckless? How do you know what being reckless is or how being responsible is if you’ve never tried being responsible. Being responsible doesn’t mean never making big decisions, never taking a risk, always being careful. That’s not being responsible. Even in those you’ve watched living in extreme trepidation, they have taken risks, they have made big decisions. They’ve just tried to deny you that privilege. To make you doubt yourself because your risks, your decisions take you away from them. And so it’s not in their best interest to support your decision-making, trusting-yourself ability. Because in their mind, it’s a threat to them.

The harshness of judgment within yourself comes from fearing life, fearing yourself. Fearing your ability make a call; to go this way or that way – to make a choice and see where it goes. This kind of doubt defeats the purpose of life. It’s a stunting doubt. It’s a deer in headlights. “Don’t do anything”, “don’t make any sudden movements” – out of fear. Fear of ‘not enough’, fear of not being supported, fear of messing up, fear of getting it wrong, fear or fucking up, fear of being scolded, being held responsible for a mistake. And who will do that to you? No one other than yourself. Even if someone else comes to scold you, if you don’t believe it, it won’t have any effect on you. You’ll find it silly and unnecessary. You won’t buy into it.

So you need to be clear with yourself first and foremost. No one else needs to sign off on anything. You sign off. You make the call. Not in rebelliousness but in trust and love of yourself. In knowing that you are trustworthy, you are trying your best, you are responsible. You’re not trying to do any harm or cause a ruckus, you’re just trying to follow your heart for God’s sake.

To follow what’s opening your heart. To follow the wisdom of that, the scent of that, in accordance with your circumstances. In accordance to what’s available to you, in accordance to what’s opening up in you, in accordance with your sovereignty. In accordance with your humility also, but not debilitating humility. Not the kind of humility that pretends to be humility but is really fear.

Breathe into that and learn to trust yourself even in the midst of winging it and going off script. That’s what you’re all about. It’s all there ever was for you, going off script. You just have been fought on it so hard, the trepidation in you is an intelligence warning you that ‘we’ve done this before and shit’s hit the fan’. But you can take it easy with the trepidation itself. With the heart feeling closed and heavy, with the clutching fear in the gut. You can take it easy with those things.

Acknowledge these things, recognize them, don’t immediately jump to conclusions that you’ve messed up or are in the process of messing up. Don’t buy into the complete self-doubt. Complete stuntedness. Those things can be there but you don’t have to buy into them or feed them. You can choose to take it easy even with the fear, the trepidation, the stuntedness, and crippling doubt. You can always take it easy, that is within your control even when you feel out of control.

Give space and let things settle. Everything needs time to settle, to dissolve, to unwind. Don’t overwhelm yourself with too much. Let there be spaces in your “schedule”. Not everything needs to be filled up, filled out.

Release yourself from the grip of conceptualizing others, worrying about them, keeping others in your head. Forget about everyone and everything including spirituality and your “path”.

Forget about relationships and where things stand. Forget about making ends meet and “managing” everything, trying to make everything fit into the idea of what you want to do. Leave things open, unattended, open-ended, undefined.

Leave things open, unattended, open-ended, undefined.

Let things come to you, instead of chasing them. Let change take care of change without your interference. Acknowledge the rawness of where you are and bow down to it with love and reverence. Don’t think it a mistake or make it wrong.

This unraveling is no small thing. It may not look like that for others, but you only know what you’re experiencing. Trust that you’re doing your best.

You are choosing to be here. In this place, in this living situation, in this building, in this spiritual community. You are making your choices everyday. You’re also not. Both are true. But recognizing that you are choosing is important. You are not a victim to the circumstances.

When you step outside of victimhood, you can start making choices. By simply asking yourself, how is it that I would like to spend my time? What is it that is most aligned for me right now – outside of any relational construct and without taking anyone else into consideration?

When you feel like you have no choice, you’re stuck, you’re bound, you’re imprisoned, you start behaving out of a role you feel as though is imposed on you. And that’s what feels like self-betrayal. Acting from obligation, imposition, no-choice. Feeling bound to, bound by, imposed upon, victim to. There are limitations but within those limitations, you’re also choosing. You can choose.

How is it that I would like to spend my time? What is it that is most aligned for me right now – outside of any relational construct and without taking anyone else into consideration?

You are choosing not to speak to your family right now, you are choosing not to be in a relationship but to continue living together, you are choosing that you don’t want to travel right now. You are choosing that you would like to be more selective with your spiritual communities and the support that you get.

You are choosing not to work right now. You are choosing to live in this apartment right now. You are choosing not to have a car right now. You are choosing that you don’t want to live in a bubble of a spiritual community which does not take into account the reality of your daily experience. You are choosing not to be constrained by the construct of marriage.

You chose not to go visit your father in the last year before he died. You chose not to be a part of your extended family’s life. You chose to break ties with your mother, brother and sister. You chose to start living with your partner 6 years ago. You chose all of that.

Once you take ownership of your choices, you no longer need to blame anyone or any situation or circumstance for them. You can own your choices and feel free in that.

The only obstacle in the way of that is your own self-doubt and self-judgement in regards to your choices – not trusting yourself. Not trusting that you are doing your best with what you’ve been given. And comparing yourself to others who are not in your situation and are not living your choices, just like you’re not living theirs.

There are choices, preferences within the construct of limitation. Once you can see that you can own your choices, trust yourself, trust you’re doing your best then there’s no need to give yourself away to others – to betray yourself by denying your own primary-ness in your own life.

You are choosing to buy the things you buy, to try the things you try, to not do what you don’t want to do, to eat what you eat etc. Distortion comes in when you, yourself are not clear about what actually feels true for you. And this unclear-ness comes from identifying with a role given to you. Doing the chores because you’re the one who does the chores. Doing for others what you think you have to do.

This “have to” is fear.

Fear of being seen as selfish, fear of being punished for not doing what “you’re supposed to do”, fear of others also acting or reacting without taking you into consideration. So you compromise. You bow down to the unspoken agreement. I’ll do this for you, because you do this for me.

Fear of survival comes in and you’re negotiating what feels true for you because you don’t want to rock the boat. You don’t want to ‘upset’ anyone because you’re scared of the repercussions of that upset. This is a very tangible thing that goes into the smallest decision, the tiniest gesture and the fear is the driving force behind this whole construct.

Acknowledge this fear, recognize it, recognize the behavioral-machine it puts into action, recognize the feel of it, the taste of it. It may feel like a sudden brain fog, or a descending heaviness, a feeling of suffocation. It may look like being hurried, trying to get all the things done – overwhelming yourself with more than you can handle in the moment. It may express itself as victimhood; being victim to the circumstances, to another person, to the action or behavior.

Victimhood often plays small, you start to feel small compared to another, compared to the world, compared to the tasks at hand. It may feel like trying to appease, keep the peace, “check in” with another to make sure they’re not upset. It may feel like guilt and a sense of burden towards another as though you’re causing more suffering to them by acting in accordance to your own truth.

The general telltale signs of this type of dynamic is a sense of self-betrayal, a lack of space or boundaries between you and another, a lack of space or boundaries around your own time. A feeling like things can’t wait, not allowing things to settle in you, in your own time. A feeling or urgency, powerlessness and an inability to steer the course of the day.

As well as, a sense of being burdened by another, a sense of dread, hopelessness, despair, disillusionment. A sense of obligation to another from a fear of abandoning them to themselves, to their experience and vice versa. A fear of being abandoned by the other in your own experience.

These dynamics play out unconsciously, in the darkness when there’s no light shed on them. But once you can see these things playing out in you, you do have a choice:

• Don’t buy into any self judgement or condemnation for the fact that these dynamics are playing out or resurfacing in you.
• Give yourself space in all that you feel and all that you do.
• Disentangle from any relational tentacles and be attuned to your own body and your own experience with gentleness and devotion.
• Realize that there is no reason at all to overwhelm yourself. If a conversation or a a task is overwhelming to you and you have the ability to remove yourself from said task or conversation, then do so.
• Recognize that there’s actually no problem. That given space, time and understanding, everything resolves itself by itself.
• Identify any sense of urgency in you; the sense of urgency is an illusion and does not serve or support anything other than reinforcing fear.
• You can choose how you spend your time, you can choose the boundaries you set with others in your environment, you can choose to be kind to yourself.
• Validate your choices and realize that you are making choices all the time.