Pretending to be beyond reproach does no good. The truth is you are affected. Your life is touched by what happens around you, people’s actions or lack thereof do bother you. Your current circumstances are a grievance to you. All of it. You are not beyond reproach. Start there.
Acknowledge your non-acceptance of things as they are. In you, in others, in where you are – physically, mentally, emotionally, relationally, ‘spiritually’. Letting go of the spiritual gymnastics and coming back to the raw unfiltered ugly truth of it. There’s hate. There’s anger. There’s non-acceptance. You are affected. You are hurt. There’s pain here. And you’re not handling any of it like you would like to.
In the ‘spiritual’ mind, you think you’re at twenty – you think you’re not affected. You believe you’re ‘higher’ than everyone because you ‘know’ something. That you are beyond it. You deny your non-acceptance and call it acceptance. You deny your being affected and believe you’re beyond reproach.
In truth, you’re below zero.
You can’t transcend. You can’t accept. You don’t know how. The truth is it all gets to you. All of it. Every little bit. And that in itself is something you’re trying to hide. Not only hide from others, but also hide from yourself. You don’t want to admit it. Because it’s too scary. Too hauntingly real.
If others know they can affect me, they will keep at it. But if I pretend I am beyond reproach, they will stop.
Unconcious belief
You can bring kindness to yourself for believing that. Because it is a valid conclusion. A self defense mechanism. This has been the case. And so you were trained to hold it all in. Pretend nothing bothers you. Pretend you’re not affected by their behavior towards you, their antagonism, their bullying. That they can’t get to you.
This is where the unprocessed anger is. Denying, burying, repressing – so that, they can realize the futility of their actions and get tired of even trying. That’s the intelligence in your system trying to protect you from harm. It’s something you learnt as a child to be able to survive your living environment.
That’s a testament to your resilience as a kid. As a human. As a grown up. It’s a testament to your ability to survive amidst madness and violence. So, just seeing that mechanism. And maybe even thanking it for all it has protected you from. Acknowledging its validity and intelligence.
They’ve hurt you so much, you couldn’t take it. You couldn’t handle this much coming at you. Understandably so. It’s pain-full. Unbearably so.
The truth is, they can hurt you and they have been. They do get to you and that hurts… a lot. It hurts that those who are meant to watch out for you are the ones most out to get you. And the more you go off script, the more their efforts double proportionally. This is valid, this is real. In the sense that what you’re feeling and the pressure of it is not an imagined thing.
So let’s just see that and admit that. Without trying to fix it or change it. Just as it is. You’re in pain. You’re struggling with this. And rightly so. It has been hard, it has been challenging, still is. The inner demand or pressure to not struggle is what causes unnecessary pain. The demand to be beyond this already because it’s too painful. It’s too much.
It’s admitting you are vulnerable here. You are affected. You are hurt. That is scary. It’s admitting your helplessness, powerlessness. Admitting that your defense mechanism doesn’t work. You are completely and utterly bested. That’s the fact of it. The truth of it – unfiltered, raw.
You’re bested and aching – and the world appears to be twinkling, sparkling, dazzling. Others seem to be coming and going much more freely than you. They seem to be not dealing with anything you’re dealing with. And that is utterly frustrating. Being pinned while the world sparkles.
This fantasy of the sparkling world – which is somehow beyond you- has been a mental escape from this painful reality. The fantasy itself is a denial of the pain. Just like the defense mechanism of being beyond reproach, this fantasy has been like a hope or distraction of something to hold onto, fantasize about, day dream about to escape the pain.
In reality this fantasy is a at the root of the pain. It’s a reaction to the pain. An admission of the unbearability of the circumstances which the fantasy creates an out of. This fantasy of a sparkling world is a symptom of your non-acceptance of the painful circumstances as well as a reinforcement of the pain itself. If it could speak, it would say, “This can’t be it, there must be something better!”
Out there, there is something, somewhere, someone – which is NOT THIS.
Unconscious belief
Similarly to the seeing of the being beyond reproach defense mechanism for what it is, you can do that with this too. Just see it. See it play out. What it does. See the miraculous intelligence of it. See the trips it takes you on. Don’t judge yourself for getting lost.
These are ancient mechanisms that have their roots in us. Just recognize these things for what they are. Also see and acknowledge the non-acceptance and pain at the root of these mechanisms that drive them to play out in you.