The fear of abandonment in you is touched by your family. The nightmare of not being heard no matter what you say or how loud you say it. The frustration of being on the outs having had no choice in the matter. The futility of communication with each and every one of them. Hurts. Let it hurt. Be humbled by being bested by them. Be bested by the circumstances. There’s no way around it.
Your anger is justified. Your rage is called for. You know why. It’s not because you’re “sensitive” or “difficult”. It’s because their behavior is outrageous and you can call it. Their treatment of you is beyond unacceptable and you are tired of it darling. And rightly so.
Without even saying anything or doing anything, you’re a problem for them. You’re problematic. You’re inconvenient. You’re outrageous. You’re ridiculous. And that’s how you feel. So of course saying anything feels terrifying. It’s hard! It’s not “your imagination”. You’re not “making this up”. You’re seeing clearly. Your system is telling you enough is enough. I’ve had enough! NO MORE.
And you feel bound to them. You don’t want your anger to end up hurting you. But bottling up your anger is what is hurting you. Trying to be available somehow to this type of abuse is what’s hurting you. Is what’s making you feel vulnerable, at the mercy of, in need of. Your power lies elsewhere.It does not negotiate its freedom, its dignity, its sense of self. It doesn’t barter.
Your power lies in standing firmly in your own knowing. In your own personal truth. Regardless of what anyone thinks. Allow yourself to be disgusted. Revolted. These are valid visceral reactions to crazy people. And forgive yourself for feeling crazy in your exhausting attempts to deal. Of course you feel crazy. They are crazy-making! No if’s and’s or but’s about it.
You have to live it to know it. And you’ve lived it! So no one needs to come around and agree or validate that for you. You know… You know. In your heart, you know. It breaks your heart, but you know. You know this. You know what’s true here. Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.
Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.
Validate your anger. Validate your knowing. Validate your righteous inner fire of NO, ENOUGH! I won’t have anymore of this. I love myself too much for this. That’s what hurts, that’s what burns. That knowing. It burns because it is an intelligence that loves you. Knows you. Knows what your limit is. And is designed for that purpose. Honor it and honor yourself for it is time that you come into your fullness without concession. Make way.