Month: July 2022

Seeing people for who they are. Means seeing the reality of the person without filter. This is sometimes too scary. Because we don’t want to see things we’ve been avoiding. Because it means we may have to come to terms with things we might not be ready for.

And sometimes we’ve been coaxed so much and for so long into believing what a person is rather than seeing the reality of that person. We even coax ourselves by trying to make the other person into something they are not because we have a vested interest in doing so. Our safety is at stake so we superimpose a reality that isn’t actually there on the other and we try our best to not see the holes in our story.

Sometimes we’ve been coaxed so much and for so long into believing what a person is rather than seeing the reality of that person.

We fail to see his or her actual behavior, their actual actions or lack there of, their actual roles in our lives. Not ‘said’ roles, not believed roles, not superimposed roles but their actual, living of, doing of roles. How they affected or influenced our lives, our experience – without justifying or judging or fixing but just seeing. Just seeing clearly what kind of person is this, who has he/she actually been for me?

The answer could be frightening. It could be that the other may have been intentionally hurting us, abusing us, the other could be not safe for us to be around. And all our instincts may have been right on – trying to protect us and alert us of the need for boundaries, the feeling of being violated etc.

In seeing this, blame can come to an end. We have a choice to stop being the victim of our circumstances. We start being responsible for ourselves; we no longer deny what’s right in front of us. And in doing so, we stop justifying unacceptable behavior and being on the receiving end of abuse.

However, we do not become ‘spiritually superior’ by pretending to forgive prematurely or treating the other with a phoney ‘spiritual’ overlay of ‘we are one’. Because that’s another really subtle and really insidious way of deceiving ourselves by spiritually bypassing the raw nakedness of what we’ve seen. The nakedness of the relationship is the starting ground. Seeing the stark reality of it without any explanations – not even and especially not spiritual ones.

In that nakedness, personal truth becomes clear without pretense, without spiritual overlays. Without violence, without desire to come out victorious, to best, to prove wrong, to achieve a desired end. Even subtly like acting spiritually superior by being “non-reactive” – that’s a pretense. It’s a subtle agenda which acts as a strain on natural instinct- the ability to respond or not respond from truth and without agenda.

Seeing the truth means being really honest with ourselves about where we actually are with this relationship without justification. Without the ideal of where we would like to be. Just the simple uncensored truth. We can begin there. And that is painful. Heartbreaking.

But in that, we can be gentle with ourselves. Not come to premature conclusions. Sit in the discomfort of it. Without imagining alternative realities. Without the noise and advice of others – no matter how seemingly wise.

We don’t know. We are just seeing or letting the truth be shown to us. And giving ourselves the time to process, integrate, digest – there’s no hurry. No pressing matter. Just allowing ourselves to be worked on by truth, by nakedness, by honesty and just doing our best is all.

Giving away your authority means giving away your power, your privacy, your inherent solitude. Means giving away your discernment, your own knowing. It leaves you desolate, desperate, confused about your confusion. It makes you run, run out of fear of being caught, punished from an external authority. it creates division within yourself, conflict between what you can and cannot include in your experience (lest anyone or you disapprove). It takes away your ability to be your own safe haven. Your own container.

Giving away your authority means you can’t be totally honest with yourself. About what’s actually happening within you. The real disappointments, the real disillusionments, your real longings. It means you have to edit yourself so as to not ‘upset’ an external authority. Whether that authority be a partner, parent, spiritual teacher or God.

Giving away your authority means not trusting yourself. That distrust comes from a sense of deep shame that something is inherently wrong, unworthy in you. And so you punish yourself by not trusting yourself. By not being your own guardian. You seek others to let you know your okayness and in that you become their slave. You seek others to let you know you are worthy. And in doing so you are bound to them. In seeking your worthiness without, the fire within you burns less bright.

In seeking your worthiness without, the fire within you burns less bright.

The antithesis to internal authority is fear. Fear of yourself, fear of the other, fear of external authority – if there is such a thing.

You don’t need to “wait” for anybody. Your path is not dependent on somebody else’s. Your path is your own. Solitary. You can travel alongside others but not with them.

Any relational entanglement comes from believing that we are bound to one another. Where someone else’s decisions, beliefs , behavior or ‘progress’ determines or defines your own potentiality. That is co-dependency. Bound to let you down.

Freedom comes when there is the freedom to leave. Everyday anew. This could be it. No guarantees of tomorrows and forever. When you are free to leave, you can choose to be here. Your mobility is not bound by another’s. Whether it be a partner, friend, or a spiritual teacher.

You have the space and choice to keep things open. Optional. Available. Possibilities are present. You are not a slave to anyone.

But this is not the norm. And so you can’t look to anybody for validation in this. Not even to your closest. Not even in spiritual circles. When you are not bound, it does not matter what the other chooses to do or not do, to say or not say.

Because it’s okay if our paths diverge. There’s no agenda in trying to make things cohesive and match up so we end up at the same place. So often we are lost in the bondage of togetherness that we end up losing ourselves and losing the other, more so than if we were to physically part ways. 

And so this is radical. Because it requires an ongoing honesty and vigilance. No end game. No leaning on. This is the opposite of how mainstream society and culture functions. Where solitariness is not even acknowledged. And agendas are all there is.

This is also challenging when everything in the nervous system is wired for the kind of ‘safety’ that comes with forever and belonging. Something clings to that kind of safety which is like a temporary fix, an addiction.

It’s also important not to judge these patterns. And not to try to overpower these patterns by imposing change from the outside in. Behavioral modifications.

It requires great patience though. Because there is an insidious and subtle sense of despair that comes from comparing yourself to others. Especially in spiritual circles. That is why high praise and devotion triggers you. It triggers doubt in you; that your experience is somehow invalid and not as it should be. 

There is actually nothing more ‘devotional’ than being able to disentangle from all that. The spiritual circles, the comparing, the boundedness in relationship, the entanglement of togetherness. Nothing more devotional than being honest and true to your own experience in all it’s confusion.

No landing place means no defining.

The fear of abandonment in you is touched by your family. The nightmare of not being heard no matter what you say or how loud you say it. The frustration of being on the outs having had no choice in the matter. The futility of communication with each and every one of them. Hurts. Let it hurt. Be humbled by being bested by them. Be bested by the circumstances. There’s no way around it.

Your anger is justified. Your rage is called for. You know why. It’s not because you’re “sensitive” or “difficult”. It’s because their behavior is outrageous and you can call it. Their treatment of you is beyond unacceptable and you are tired of it darling. And rightly so.

Without even saying anything or doing anything, you’re a problem for them. You’re problematic. You’re inconvenient. You’re outrageous. You’re ridiculous. And that’s how you feel. So of course saying anything feels terrifying. It’s hard! It’s not “your imagination”. You’re not “making this up”. You’re seeing clearly. Your system is telling you enough is enough. I’ve had enough! NO MORE.

And you feel bound to them. You don’t want your anger to end up hurting you. But bottling up your anger is what is hurting you. Trying to be available somehow to this type of abuse is what’s hurting you. Is what’s making you feel vulnerable, at the mercy of, in need of. Your power lies elsewhere.It does not negotiate its freedom, its dignity, its sense of self. It doesn’t barter.

Your power lies in standing firmly in your own knowing. In your own personal truth. Regardless of what anyone thinks. Allow yourself to be disgusted. Revolted. These are valid visceral reactions to crazy people. And forgive yourself for feeling crazy in your exhausting attempts to deal. Of course you feel crazy. They are crazy-making! No if’s and’s or but’s about it.

You have to live it to know it. And you’ve lived it! So no one needs to come around and agree or validate that for you. You know… You know. In your heart, you know. It breaks your heart, but you know. You know this. You know what’s true here. Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.

Don’t let “spirituality” gaslight you out of your own knowing.

Validate your anger. Validate your knowing. Validate your righteous inner fire of NO, ENOUGH! I won’t have anymore of this. I love myself too much for this. That’s what hurts, that’s what burns. That knowing. It burns because it is an intelligence that loves you. Knows you. Knows what your limit is. And is designed for that purpose. Honor it and honor yourself for it is time that you come into your fullness without concession. Make way.

Acknowledging the energetic hold the “in-laws” have had on you of trying to prove your worth to them with no avail. How you dress, what you look like, ‘what you’re doing with your life’. Acknowledging the dynamic of them trying to make you feel less than, inferior, having something to prove, compete, make you internally dance like a puppet.

And acknowledging the taking on and believing of that dynamic – dancing that dance with them. Even through aversion. When believed, this dynamic makes you try too hard, not be yourself which is natural and unapologetic. Your natural self doesn’t try to fit in the mold they’ve made for you.

Acknowledging the dynamic as it is, without hating it or wanting to change it. Acknowledging the way things are playing themselves out in you without the defense of feeling ashamed for it and therefore try to hide it or overcompensate with pretense over it.

Your anger is here. That this affects you. And your power lies in being honest to yourself about it. Not deceiving yourself. Not trying to save face or put up a front.

Your anger is here. That this affects you. And your power lies in being honest to yourself about it. Not deceiving yourself. Not trying to save face or put up a front.

It’s not just about externally doing or saying what is true. But also about internal honesty. Loosening the self-judgment around the internal reality. Something in you is touched by them. Deeply so. They touch a wound. And in self-defense, you try to put on a shield of untouchability. Of aversion. Of disgust.

They touch the wound of unworthiness. The wound of deep shame. That is why you feel so unlike yourself. A stranger to yourself. Because in trying to unconsciously appease them through clothes or outer beauty or ‘making something of your life’ – you leave your authenticity and natural worth.

Your authenticity is natural and has nothing to prove. It’s relaxed. At ease. Not swayed by culture or opinion, in fact it sees clearly the limitation of that and stays true to itself regardless. To it’s effortlessness and inherent belonging which isn’t dictated by someone else.

Softly recognizing the hurt there. And the humility in accepting that this is so in you. Otherwise, it’s pride masquerading as not being affected, being untouchable. And it is not true because you are affected. Start from there.

There’s something here you can trust and it doesn’t make an enemy of anyone or anything.

You don’t need to lie to yourself anymore. Deny what you see. In denying you cause yourself harm, unnecessary pain, discomfort and you delay the inevitable. Forgive yourself for feeling the need to deny, suppress, omit. No one can save you. No one will, no one can. This is good news. For if you had to be saved by someone else, it would be bondage and slavery.