There’s a force within that compulsively sabotages well-being. It is addicted to disharmony, nervous system dysregulation, unhealthy cycles and patterns of behavior, pain and suffering. It gets bored with well-being, a regulated nervous system, non-addictive behaviors, harmony and goodness.
It feeds on overwhelm, dysfunction and desperation. It keeps dysfucntional cycles in endless self-perpetuation. Working with opposite extremes; healthy, unhealthy, good, bad, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, success, failure, love, hate. Moderation, balance, equanimity are enemies to the saboteur.
It likes to swim in muck. It’s an extremist by nature. It wants to keep looping in hope and despair. In ‘maybe one day’ and ‘it’s never going to happen’. In worthlessness and grandiosity. Constantly projecting plans for an improved self in the future where perfection is possible but with no real intent on ever arriving.
The saboteur is critical by nature, wired to be negatively oriented – a perfectionist. It thrives on comparison. That’s where it feeds. Comparing in time, comparing to others, comparing anything other than what’s here and other than what’s now. Its motto is not good enough. Its engine – fear, anxiety, restlessness, dissatisfaction, unworthiness, the need to belong.
The saboteur cannot satisfy any sense of lack. It can only create a mirage of projected satisfaction in the future. And it has a vested interest in keeping the sense of lack in place even though it advertises otherwise.
The saboteur is binding in the sense that it banks on you taking things personally, being invested, buying into the premise. It does this by wrapping itself around old wounds; unworthiness, abandonment, being left behind. It subconsciously convinces you that in order never to feel these things again, you must do what it says. That there’s hope for you yet.
The saboteur creates an illusion of autonomy, self-reliance, free will and that’s its genius. Because in fact, the opposite of that is the case. By design, the saboteur strips you of those things and makes you a slave. A slave to imagination, comparison, unconsciousness. It makes you an addict, a prisoner – at the mercy of.
The saboteur cannot be fought against. Cannot be willfully changed or re-programmed. It can only bring you to your knees to be defeated.