Let yourself belong to yourself. In your totality. Not to your partner. Not to your family. Not to any group or teacher. Not to your country, society or culture. Not to any role or narrative. Nothing. Just you, here, now. You with your softness. Your simplicity. Your scent. Your breath. Your feel. Your touch. Your sensuality and beauty.
Notice how that feels. Almost like it’s not allowed. Like you’re going to be punished for it. Disliked for it. In trouble for it. Notice how there’s fear in taking yourself back in this way. Like you can’t possibly live like this. Spend your days like this. In this “self-indulgence“.
As soon as someone comes into your vicinity, you have to give yourself away – no questions asked. You have to answer to. And the stress of that. The stress of being outside yourself. Available to the other prior to your own self.
Unaware of your own self, your own needs, your own beauty and rhythm. Unaware that you’re even outside yourself.
Unaware of your own self, your own needs, your own beauty and rhythm. Unaware that you’re even outside yourself.
It’s painful living in this way. It’s feeling like a sell-out 24/7 and not knowing why. And the anxiety of being at the mercy of giving away that permission slip to be dropped in on as a given. Having to answer to that. Forced to relate in this – no questions asked, I’m yours before I am my own – kind of way. It sucks. It really sucks.
And there’s grief there. Grief of feeling like you have to leave everyone behind. Give everyone back to themselves constantly. There’s anxiety in that. Because you can see the ways you’re always being pulled, invited even just with eye contact to leave yourself constantly. To cater to. To be ‘out here’ – ready, in dialogue, available, always on call. It’s exhausting.
Allow yourself to really feel into how much you actually hate that. Because you do. You hate leaving yourself. You’re tired of it. You’re suffocated by it. Because it’s not natural. It’s fear-driven.
It can feel almost alien to come back to yourself fully in this way. But there’s a deep longing for that. To belong to yourself. To be fully enveloped in your own yummy goo, your own soft mush. To be cocooned in yourself without having to take one micro energetic step outside yourself.
To be totally self-indulgent in the healthiest most natural way. To give yourself that permission slip. To recognize that birthright and the insanity of anything other than that.
Not answering to anybody.
Not being on call.
Not engaging with the slightest invitation to leave yourself.
Not as a harsh, willful doing but a soft and kind vigilance to stay true, stay real. Stay connected to yourself. To put yourself first in a fearless, loving and self-honoring kind of way – come what may.