Feeling like you have something to prove, to present a facade of resilience, ‘okayness’ – all the while, you’re hot and bothered on the inside is futile and exhausting. It’s an attempt to escape the pain. The pain of feeling ganged up on. Judged. Ridiculed. Deeply misunderstood. Deeply neglected. Ostracized.
Like you have to defend yourself and your life every single day, every moment. That’s what the incessant thoughts are. An attempt to defend ‘your place’. It’s a guardedness. Not being able to land anywhere. Fully land. Fully belong. Fully root down. Keeping you disconnected. Dis-membered.
It takes great patience and compassionate persistence to land regardless. To not wrangle with the old nightmare and softly land. It’s not easy. And it’s okay and important to acknowledge that. Otherwise, you’re left wondering and berating yourself for seeming ‘failure’.
And the feeling like you’re surrounded. Like you can’t seem to escape. Can’t get away with the slightest living from a resourced place without some sort of energetic backlash from your environment – that is real. A feeling reality of which that constant confrontation can wear you down into hopelessness, despair and collapse.
Especially if you’re being asked to answer to things. And feeling tongue-tied there too. Like how can I possibly explain where I’m at right now? And it’s true. It’s not possible. And that’s the catch-22 that the mind is confounded by. Caught in a loop of constant explaining, defending and the futility of that. The mere exhaustion of it.
But there’s goodness here. There’s goodness here regardless. And you don’t have to struggle to find this goodness, even though it might feel like it sometimes. And you don’t have to struggle to land.
The struggle is tied up up into this belief that there’s something you can do and you’re just missing the mark. That what’s happening, the situation you’re in is somehow wrong. The environment, the subtle nuances you feel, are somehow wrong or imagined.
And this has to do with believing the facade of normal presented to you by the old nightmare characters. Taking that facade to be true. And once that’s believed, you’re putting up a facade in response to the facade. It’s a loop. The facade of okay-ness and resiliency up against the facade of normal. Playing in no man’s land.
And you don’t have to be stoic and willfully uninvolved in all that because you can’t. You can’t impose your will here. To rise above. To transcend. No, I won’t engage in this dance. It’s not your call. All you can do is notice. And bring kindness to the places in you that struggle. Wrangle. And understandably so.
When your whole culture feels insulted and aggravated by living from and in goodness – it’s not a small thing to be confronted with, to feel into. And there’s something to being reminded of that when it seems like you’re falling into states of despair and collapse because of how hard it actually is.
What you’re seeing and feeling as a backlash from trying to live from not knowing, from handing your will over, from goodness – is not imagined. And the patience, softness, kindness and cocooning required here in this place of taking baby steps is something worthy of protection.
It is worthy of leaving others hanging with no response, no solutions, no submissiveness, no answers – because you’re not pretending this. You really don’t know. You really can’t do. You really can’t explain. There’s really no solution. Nothing you can think your way to anyway. And they really wouldn’t understand anyway.
It’s not your imagining. It really is like this. And you don’t have to come up with any solutions – which is hard. Because something wants to get out of this. Move on already. It doesn’t want to be pinned. Feel the feels. Because it’s not easy. And that’s okay too.
As much as you can, stay with the goodness, stay with the resource, birdsong, plants, clear sky. And know that there really isn’t something you can do. It’s not up to you anymore. And you can hand over whoever you think you need to answer to – to That. Hand them over. Because you can’t explain, don’t need to explain and it’s not your doing.