What happens when you’ve been blindsided over and over again by those you love and who supposedly love you?
You live a life of constantly looking over your shoulder, never being able to trust believing the next blindside is just around the corner.
You live a life of theft, where you behave as though you are constantly “getting away with something” and that it’s only a matter of time before it gets taken away.
You rush and scurry in your thoughts and actions like you’re being chased by an invisible yet very real force “out to get you”, punish you or give you a “reality check”.
You can’t differentiate between being blindsided by your family and being blindsided by life. And you take them to be one and the same – never looking or questioning the validity of that out of fear and confusion. And never learning the possibility to separate or divorce one from the other.
You become suspect of anything good happening in your life out of fear of it being ripped away.
You become hyper-alert and hyper-vigilant to the cues you get from other people and your environment and you internalize these cues as potential danger. Another blindside.
You can’t trust and have no visceral understanding of boundaries because you believe yourself to be unworthy of it.
You’re careful not to shine too much or become vibrant with joy so as to not draw any unwanted negative attention to yourself.
You become small, hidden, walking on eggshells, trying not to make too much noise.
You fear being seen and heard, out of fear of rejection and envy from your ‘loved ones’.
You’re scared of living a happy life, full of joy contentment and of fulfilling your Heart’s longing.
You struggle to trust and you have a deep-seated fear of peace, well-being, safety, goodness, respect, dignity because when you experienced these things in the past you were punished for it. And so paradoxically feeling ‘unsafe’ was safer than feeling safe. Feeling unpeaceful was more peaceful than feeling peace. Because you weren’t challenging anyone when you were unsafe and unpeaceful. You weren’t reflecting back to them that basic spark of life that they had lost long ago and despised to see in you.
You have trouble taking ownership of things, voicing your likes and dislikes out of fear of that being used against you.
You feel as though your good qualities and gifts are something to hide, be ashamed of, or forcefully share with those who want to leech off you. Those who view your good fortune as an undeserving luxury bestowed upon you and see you unworthy of it.
You have trouble doing what’s best for you because it “seemingly” comes at odds with our own family.
Your honesty, directness, down-to-earth qualities and open heart were often and repeatedly used against you to manipulate you or gaslight you out of your own truth.
You take abusive behavior to be ‘normal’.
You have trouble standing up for yourself or calling out abuse with family and loved ones.
You question your feelings and gut instincts because you were conditioned to distrust your own intelligence.
You have a deep-seated belief that your longing to be loved and have simple direct communication is a tall order. Having been gaslit into believing that you are in fact the one who is ‘difficult’, lacking love and basic communication skills.
You were repeatedly and continuously put down by your family – never given credit or praise or being seen for your own individual beauty or genius unless it was to credit or complement them.
You were heavily conditioned that on a very basic level everything you did, said or wanted was wrong, bad or too much.
Your sense of agency and sovereignty were constantly challenged and instead of being nurtured it was never given a chance to sprout. And so your wherewith-all when it comes to trusting that Life is good, trust worthy and full of possibilities was intensely colored by a sense of doom and gloom.
Being celebrated is a trigger point for you because major events in your life like birthdays, graduations and milestones were completely sidestepped and overlooked. Birthdays, weddings etc. became painful for you to experience and your ability to genuinely be happy for others became tarnished.
Your presence was ignored, taken for granted or treated as an unnecessary burden.
You were taught to distrust your decisions and second-guess yourself by never getting any approval or emotional support.
No matter how loyal or loving you were to your loved ones, it was very easy for them to betray you, ignore you, gaslight you and blindside you and that became a very sore point of pain, shame and a belief in your inherent unworthiness.
So here’s to your amazing genius and beauty for being able to survive all that, thrive and be so strong.
You can get through anything. You can get through everything. You’re stronger than you know. Strength is not what you think it is.
Your Heart