What you long for is yourself. All the aspects of yourself that you’ve deemed unworthy, wrong, too much. All the things you’ve tweaked to feel safe, good, loyal, worthy, lovable. To fit in. To belong. All the things you’ve disowned, deemed bad. All that… is what you’re longing for.
To return to your fullness, your wholeness. Yourself unabashed. Unfiltered. Raw. Clean. Messy. Vulnerable self. Other people can reflect that to you. Reflect the goodness you’ve learnt to turn away from, the lightness. Reflect aspects of yourself you’ve hidden away maybe out of fear for your own safety.
When you’ve been so conditioned to stay in fear of being yourself, it’s understandable that the ‘safer’ inner state would be the fearful state. Because it’s the most familiar. Something in you registered a long time ago, when I am in a fearful, tweaked state, I am more safe. Because it was probably true back then. You probably couldn’t be your full unabashed self back then, it wasn’t welcome.
Sometimes you can’t see yourself clearly. You can’t see what you’re missing. What a beauty you are. What a delight you are. And it’s nice to have that reflected back to you. But it doesn’t mean that the other person is the reason for that reflection. So you don’t need to feel bad about it. Or needy or wrong. You can be grateful the other was able to provide that for you. And remind you of your own beauty. Your own heart.