There’s an imbalance here that is revealing itself to you and wants to set be straight. Wants to come into balance. Into coherency. Into clarity and truth.
And it’s showing up as this fear. This trauma. The fear is the trauma. The trauma of the terror of feeling unsafe in your own family. Feeling like living your life is an abomination to them.
In the past, the expression of your own autonomy, sovereignty was severely punished. You were punished for speaking your truth, living your truth, for doing whatever it is you needed to do to cope. Punished by those who were meant to be your closest allies, your dearest. And all in the name of family.
And so the fear is a friend. The terror is the body speaking to you. It’s shaking you up. Waking you up. Saying, hello hello, mayday, mayday! We’ve been here before and it was hell. Safety needed. Pay attention here. You’re needed here. In the body.
And the body itself is confused. Because when family are the one’s who are “dangerous” – it’s a mind fuck. Because it’s the most seemingly familiar being seen to be the most foreign. It’s “home” but something know this is not what home is supposed to feel like. It’s all you’ve ever known but what you’ve known is hell on earth. It’s the biological pull to be in the safe arms of family and the intelligence of the trauma pushing you to run be as fast as you can. And this is confusing as hell. For the body and the mind.
So let’s bring real kindness, real gentleness to this fight. This agonizing struggle. The mind fuck of it. The heart wrench of it. The panic of it. The one that wants to run and the one that feels pinned down. Let them both be here.
And really look, what was really happening. What is happening beneath the guise of family. What’s really going on here. Why do I feel so endangered around these people? Am I in danger now? Why does the body feel like it’s being ambushed now? Why is it activating fight or flight? There’s intelligence here that needs a deep listening to.
Is this the ambush of feeling ganged up on… Act this way or else. Do this or else. Stay in line or else. Or else. Everyone’s getting their ducks in a row and you’re in the way. What a problem you are. How rude. How impudent. You think we have time for your childish feelings. Your imagined sovereignty. Your unacceptable behavior.
And you feel it, the more you speak your truth, the more this fear is activated. In this interaction and in that interaction. You speak from truth, you act from truth and it’s not well-received. So something in you wants to run. Feels unsafe. Because in the past you were unable to create that safety for yourself and neither did you have it. Nor did you have an understanding or capabilities to discern what was going on.
And there was a hierarchy that you believed in. The family hierarchy. Mom, Dad, older brother, older sister. I’m the little one. The child. Treated as such. This constellation.
A software update needs to happen internally and is happening. The update of seeing through the guise of the family. Dismantling the hierarchy or having it dismantled for you. Undoing the sense of ambush. Seeing through others wanting you to do their bidding under the guise of them doing your bidding.
The stigma around setting boundaries and living from your truth is what activates the fear of being ganged up on. Because in being the family scapegoat, in being the one who carries the burden of the family’s collective unconsciousness, you’re a problem – for them. And so you need harshness or diplomacy, a tugging or a pulling – you need a strategy in order to be coerced into doing, saying, acting in a way that is ‘beneficial’ to them.
But this is not real ‘benefit’. Real benefit is acting in accordance to your innermost knowing in the moment. And finding the whatever it is you can find to anchor you to the earth, ground and breath. So that you’re not sullied by the attempts at coercion, the stigmatized beliefs around speaking from truth. So that you can hold your own amidst the stormy weathers of the family ambush.