Month: November 2021

You act in your own integrity – you need not worry about anything or anybody.

But what if I get duped?

Don’t I need to make sure somehow I’m not getting screwed over?

With what?

Apprehension, suspicion, insecurity, restlessness, doubt?

The mind will make it seem as though you’re putting your head in the sand – Don’t be naive!

Drop in the body. Feel whatever energetic tension, movement or tiredness there is. Be with that. Keep coming back to that. Long exhales. Deep inhales.

But I need to say this and that.

Nope.

And this happened in the past.

Come back.

You’ll effortlessly find yourself able to feel out whatever needs to unfold without agenda.

Without, my safety depends on this.

Without, this person is trying to dupe me, take me for a fool.

Let the mind vomit out its’ doomsday scenario and apocalyptic hypothesis.

Let it make mountains out of molehills.

This doesn’t mean denying the vulnerability and tenderness of being human. Or suppressing any trauma that’s bubbling up to the surface. It’s admitting to and meeting with honesty, gentleness. Slowness.

And you don’t have to “be strong” and pretend this.

Just drop into the body and feel the energy of it. The lethargy of it. And let it be here. Don’t fight.

But what if I get duped?

Yeah, what if.

What if everything you did was wrong and you didn’t have to justify it.

Be wrong.

Notice how nothing’s happening.

Okay, you were wrong. All of it was wrong. And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Isn’t that freeing? Isn’t that just a god damn relief?

Anytime you can just breathe again, that’s a good sign.

So people’s perception of you are that you’re wrong. Okay.

Where does that land?

Absolutely nowhere.

You don’t have to learn to love yourself.

That sounds like a tedious uphill battle.

And you don’t have to justify wrongs either.

So where does that leave it?

I’m wrong and it’s okay. I’m a misnomer and it’s okay.

The only time it’s not okay is when I want to be right.

Do it right.

Wanting to be right is the cause of a lot of violence.

Inwardly and outwardly.

Try on the I’m wrong and really let it sink in to your skin, into your field.

I’m wrong.

My past is wrong, my life is wrong, my behavior is wrong, my decisions are wrong, my impulses are wrong.

All of it. I have not done one thing right!

Freedom.

And I will probably continue to do everything wrong till the very end.

Where does that leave me?

Leaves me with a lot of space, a lot of room.

A lota room for fucking up. A complete and utter disaster.

All the way to the end.

Through and through.

Freedom.

Trying to do it right is to who’s standards?

God? The teacher? Mom? Husband? Brother? Sister? Mother-in-law? Sister-in-law? Cousin? Friend? The priest? The pope? The Man? the woman? Who?

Be wrong and in that, be free.

When the midday air of despair smacks you in the face, remind yourself of the mini successes you’ve had so far. Managed to get out of bed. Success. Watered the garden. Success. Cut my own hair. Success. Made and ate some breakfast. Success. Showered with lovely smelling soaps. Success.

Not running around like a headless chicken. Success. Taking it slow and easy. Success. Breathing fully. Aware of my breath. Success. Hearing the birds. Success. Got some sun. Success. Food in the fridge. Success. Couch under my bum. Success.

And then gently coming back to ‘despair’. A heaviness, energetic density. A friend that wants to be met. A tightness in the jaw. A discomfort. A frozenness.

Hello despair. Nice to meet you.

Bowing to the unspiritual, addicted, messy and messed up bad one inside. The one that can’t sit still, made the ‘wrong’ decisions. Can’t seem to get her act together. Whatever that means. Bowing to this one. This one that’s been hammered with you’re not good enough, what you’re doing is wrong, you need to do better, try harder, be different, you should be doing better by now!

Let’s stop fighting with her. Messing with her. She’s been fought with and messed with enough already. Give her a break. Take off the pressure of trying to get somewhere. The somewhere of perfection. This is a pipe dream. There’s no somewhere to get to. There’s no if only this wasn’t here, then… I’ll be…. fill in the blanks. Free? Loved? Good enough? Finished? Saved? Enlightened?

Instead let’s try something new for a change. Just this once. Let be the imperfection and the mess. The frazzled, don’t know what to do, if I’m doing it right, I’m failing, I’m failing mess. Let be the mess. Be a mess. That’s the freedom.

Then, I can breathe now. I don’t have to tie myself into knots because of the idea that the mess is wrong. Because that idea creates war. Arguing with what is. Impatience is here, restlessness is here, boredom is here, disorientation is here, an energetic knot of inexplicable movement is here. Okay. It’s not comfortable. It’s not what the spiritual ego, superego wants it to look like by now. I’ve done enough work on myself and by now I should be…. fill in the blank.

Pipe dream.

When nothing’s going on, and nothing’s happening, really savor these moments. Really bow down to the one not able to handle meetings, or new friends, or new ideas or chores. She’s signaling that she’s not up for this stuff. And she really needs to be honored and bowed down to. She’s processing a lot. It’s no small feat. Any of it.

To learn to bow to that little one is an act of great kindness. To do everything to resource her, and not do anything that is too overwhelming for her. Forget the should’s and could’s and but this is normal. Forget all this added pressure. Really drop the pressure. The pressure to be spiritual, to get ahead, to get it right, to get on with life, to not miss life, to take in the beauty of life, to heal, to be healthy, to be responsible, to be nice, to be good, to get rid of this feeling, to be over it already, to be anything other than what’s here is an act of violence. Even if it’s dressed in spiritual clothing. Spirituality can be really violent. Internally. We can be punishing ourselves and measuring ourselves up 24/7 with this stuff. It’s exhausting.

And this little one is exhausted, the one pretending to be spiritual is exhausted, the one pretending to be good is exhausted. Give these guys a break. Let them be the fumbly puddles that they are. With no this shouldn’t be like this madness, it is like this. It is. And there’s no way around it. No way over it or under it.

Being with What Is isn’t some like mystical idea of what is, like The Present Moment. It’s so overused and made into something that it fucks with the head. What is is literally what is. All of it. The dog poop is what is, the cat licking its’ ass is what is, feeling like shit is what is, not accepting is what is, being angry is what is, watching a bad movie is what is, it’s pointless to even call it what is. And maybe it’s better to let go of this lingo. Because it’s been made into something. It’s not heard.

When nothing’s happening, it might not feel good, because we’re so conditioned to not allow nothing to be happening. Nothing happening is almost like a faux pas. What are you doing? Nothing. Gasp! It’s not socially acceptable for nothing to be happening. But when nothing’s happening really recognize the beauty of nothing happening. Really lean into nothing’s happening. Lean into to it. Yay, nothing’s happening. Deep breath.

Chasing what’s not available can be a long time embedded groove and habit. Especially if this was the dynamic with primary caregivers. Mom, dad, brother, sister were not available and innocently a learning that I have to chase their attention became the norm.

Seeking out what’s not available became an unconscious, shadowy movement and impulse. The root driver of ‘ambition’. Scanning the environment for what’s the most unavailable, unreachable situation, group of people, person or circumstance I can get. Because if I do, “mom and dad” so to speak will love me, care for me, validate my existence, I’ll be seen, cared for, admired etc.

And if the most unavailable is unreachable or unavailable to me then I’ll turn it around and barricade my pain with the self-defense of being unavailable to them. Then I’m untouched. You didn’t reject me, I rejected you.

At the root of it is a deep pain of having realized as a baby, toddler, child that Mom and Dad’s love, care, attention were not a given. I have to do some work here. And this work becomes the work of a lifetime. In every situation, in every interaction. The primary situation was and is too painful to digest. It’s too much for a baby, toddler, child to digest this information even if it is understood on some cellular level. It’s too painful.

And as a byproduct of this deeply embedded groove, what is available is not seen, recognized, it’s overlooked. Because it doesn’t require chasing, contorting. It isn’t the false drug of seeking what inside is believed to be the only way to survive. I need mom and dad’s love, care and attention otherwise I will die. So it’s a survival instinct at work, to scan, to seek, to chase, and to try to ‘win’ the desired object or person’s attention, love, recognition, admiration -whatever it is.

From the groove’s perspective availability is uninteresting. It needs the chase, it needs the drug because it’s programmed to believe that its’ survival depends on it. It’s innocent. Mercy on the groove. And the groove will deny this six ways to Sunday. It won’t allow itself to be seen because it’s only operational in the shadows, in the dark, the dark cave of the hurt little one.

Some things won’t budge till we sit with them. They’ll keep calling and aching till we give up our running away from feeling as shitty as we really feel.

No amount of trying to turn away will work. And no amount of talking to someone about it will make it better. Time to turn in. Curl up on the couch, fetal position and let whatever’s here be here.

All the effort of turning away once halted will turn into exhaustion. Exhaustion is good. It means you’ve stopped running.

Un-seriousness is not a bad thing. To not be so serious about everything. Not in the immature sense where everything’s a joke. But in a not taking things personally or fixating on fleeting things kind of way. (When you can help it because sometimes you can’t and that’s okay too.)

Seriousness creates heaviness. Seriousness comes with an agenda, an endgame, a strategy. It’s keeping logs of conversations, rapports and agendas. Taking a stance and holding up barricades of defense and apprehension.

Unplug the serious socket for a second. Bring in some lightness and openness. Shake it off, literally. Especially if you’re being invited into a serious conversation or a very serious decision. Take a step back and shake it off. Feel your feet on the ground and the length of your exhale. Disengage from the story or the ongoing conversation. Unplug. Drop the whole thing.

Check in with your immediate experience. Ask yourself, what’s going on here? Underneath all the seriousness. Is there something that I’m running away from? Lurking beneath the surface driving this behavior? What’s luring me into the seriousness of it all? What are the bare basic facts of this moment without any overlay?

Once this self-honesty comes in then lightness and newness can come in too. Freshness. Seriousness often comes with a stench of stale. Lightness breeds freshness, brightness. And it’s not the newness or freshness that the mind projects but newness in spontaneity. Things you didn’t plan on doing or saying just happen. Not in an impulsive trying to get away from yourself kind of way. But an unplanned, unserious, flow and availability.

And what can stifle this flow are the personal self explanations of why I think I did this or said that. And the mind coming in this way to feel like it’s in control somehow of what’s happening. That it decided, you decided to do this because… blah blah blah. And it’s not true so it throws off this natural flow. It’s like throwing a wrench in there, the wrench of fear of not being in control.

It’s good to recognize this wrench and acknowledge this movement of trying to explain things you can’t explain. It’s much cleaner and smoother just admitting I don’t have a clue what’s going on and I don’t need to. And sort of knowing that it’s okay not to understand or try to explain.

Because there’s an intelligence which doesn’t need to be understood in the moment. And it’s in that letting go of understanding and explaining that you kind of sidestep a lot of unnecessary suffering, seriousness, heaviness and load. Instead you’re operating from a more solitary perspective of self-honesty, lightness, a willingness to feel, a non-rush, clean air, open space, an ability to move, not just outwardly but inwardly. You can move, you’re not stunted.

So just become aware of the stench of seriousness and shake it off. Walk away. Dis-engage. Follow the exhale. Look at a bird. Look up at the sky. Move, make weird sounds, smell some lavender. Resource.

Come back to yourself. Come back to the simplicity of you. Forget everything that happened yesterday. Last week. Forget everyone you met or didn’t meet. Forget the conversations you had or are supposed to have. Forget it all.

You don’t have to be anybody for anyone. You don’t have to be consistent or dependable. Any question you want to ask someone else, you can ask yourself first. See if this is something for the other or for you.

If you’re doubting someone actually wants to hang out with you or get to know you, ask yourself if you actually want to get to know them. If you feel like someone is obligated to you, ask yourself if you feel obligated to them. And be honest. Be real with yourself.

Come back to your solitude.

Come back to your realness.

The part that’s beneath the I’m bad, they don’t like me, I’m wrong. The part that doesn’t operate from I’m bad. The part that’s not overwhelmed by everything that’s happening ‘out there’ or happened or will happen. The part that doesn’t need to get anywhere or do anything because it’s already here.

It doesn’t need to reach out to anyone or fulfill any commitment or communication. It’s not concerned about these things. It doesn’t believe that this last text needs to be responded to or this email really needs to be addressed today. Or this post really needs to be published.

Come back here.

Tell the truth and trust your innermost.

You don’t have to figure anything out.

You don’t have to be smart.

You don’t have to lean forward and start doing.

Or try to lean back and stop doing.

Just give up.

You don’t know.

You don’t know anything.

And that’s the truth.

You don’t need to prepare.

And you don’t need to be prepared.

You don’t need to take measurements or make calculations.

It’s not crazy.

It’s not irresponsible.

It’s honest.

It’s real.